10 Ways To Discipline Your Toddler Without Saying 'No'

There are more effective ways to deny, deter, or discipline your child than repeatedly saying "no." Frequent use of the word "no" can exhaust both parent and child. Some parenting experts also suggest that overuse can breed resentment or encourage future rebellion.

Overusing "no" can desensitize a child to its impact, so experts recommend reserving it for life-threatening situations, says Audrey Ricker, PsyD, co-author of Backtalk: 4 Steps in Ending Rude Behavior in Your Kids. Instead, use short, clear, and direct phrases to explain why a behavior is inappropriate.

The next time you find yourself in one of these common scenarios with your toddler, consider one of the alternatives below to simply saying "no."

Reaching for More Sweets

David Walsh, PhD, author of No: Why Kids—of All Ages—Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It, suggests that parents deny certain junk food requests, like ice cream and candy, by offering a healthier alternative, such as yogurt. Avoid the promise of "maybe tomorrow," Dr. Walsh advises.

"Toddlers can't comprehend time very well, so it doesn't make sense to tell them exactly when in the future they will get ice cream. Most toddlers just want what they want," Dr. Walsh explains. "Parents need to calmly, firmly, and warmly offer the healthy snack in spite of a toddler's protests." This way, your toddler still gets a treat, but it's better option.

Pay attention to messaging around food as well. Terms like "healthy" versus "unhealthy", or "good" versus "bad" can create unhelpful emotions about food, explains Emily Edlynn, PhD, Parents’ Ask Your Mom advice columnist. Instead, she suggests explaining that certain foods give our body more energy and help us think better, run faster, and stay healthy.

Flinging Their Food

Toddlers often play with food because they may still feel full from an earlier meal, turning the food into a toy, explains Linda Shook Sorkin, a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Diego.

Instead of shouting when your toddler flings a bowl full of macaroni and cheese to the floor, calmly remove the bowl and explain why throwing food isn't acceptable.

A similar, calm approach works when your little one starts bouncing on the bed late at night. You might say, "Beds are for sleeping and relaxing, not for jumping." But if they take a sip of milk without protest, acknowledge the good behavior with a compliment.

Knocking Down Someone Else’s Toys

If your curious toddler decides to go "Godzilla" on their sibling's LEGO tower, it's not always a sign of jealousy—at least not consciously, explains Fran Walfish, PsyD, author of The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond with Your Child.

"He may simply see the LEGO building and think that it would be fun to knock it down," Dr. Walfish says. However, remember that "most kids hate to be told what to do—some more than others." Instead, try asking if you can join in and model how to play respectfully with others.

Being Rough With Plants or Pets

If you catch your toddler pulling petals off prized peonies or tugging a family pet's tail, gently point out that plants and animals are alive, too. You might say, "When you hurt the flower (or pet), you hurt its feelings and growth." This approach helps your child develop empathy and awareness of other living beings.

"Give the child responsibility to learn that plants should be treated with respect, as with nature in general," says Marva Soogrim, a world-renowned nanny who works with families of celebrities and the founder of Marvalous Babies.

Hitting Siblings or Other Kids

Saying "no hitting" likely won't be effective. "A toddler's capacity to understand what it means to hit others is very limited," explains Shook Sorkin. "It's important to stop the aggressor immediately and then calmly state the behavior you want, by saying, 'We do not hit when we are angry,'"

In many cases, the toddler hits to express frustration or seek attention. "Ask siblings to hug each other to cultivate affection. Help kids calm down when they are angry or ask what they want when they are unhappy," she says. Another approach is to help children identify the emotions they're experiencing in any given moment. Once that feeling is identified, take it a step further to solve the problem.

Whining When Asking For Something

As your toddler learns new words, they may whine to protest or request something. Avoid saying, "Stop whining" or "We don't whine." Instead, encourage them to use simple words to communicate. Richard Bromfield, PhD, author of How to Unspoil Your Child Fast, suggests saying, "I can't understand you when you use the whiny voice." This approach can prompt your child to speak in a normal tone.

"The most powerful and natural motivator will be the reward of having their words, feelings, or requests heard and responded to. This approach carries the implicit lesson that the child has a choice in not just their tone of voice but in much of their behavior."

Engaging in Destructive Behavior

Laughter can be a wonderful tool in disciplining because it helps you recognize when a lighthearted approach is most effective. "Distraction and humor are excellent strategies to use with toddlers who are feeling stubborn or irritable," says Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD, author of What About Me? 12 Ways to Get Your Parents' Attention. "Little kids love to laugh, so doing something silly can be a fun and caring way to redirect them towards greater cooperation. You don't have to be a great comedian to do this. You can say a funny warning, like 'Here come the tickle fingers!'"

Taking Your Phone

Your child may want to grab your smartphone every time it rings in the grocery store, but it's not a plaything. Instead, give your child a small, engaging toy the next time they reach for your phone.

"It's easier for children to replace a behavior than to stop it," Dr. Kennedy-Moore says. If you don't have a toy with you, try handing them a safe and inedible item—like a plastic ball—that can't be destroyed, cause a mess, or pose a danger. You can also use the opportunity to educate them on the different items in the store.

Removing Their Shoes When They Shouldn’t

Your toddler may have just started wearing shoes and they may make every attempt to take them off—even in places where taking shoes off could be dangerous. Instead of saying "stop taking your shoes off," explain what you would prefer for them to do. For example, say, "Leave your shoes on. We take our shoes off only at home."

This approach can also apply to toddlers who enjoy climbing on furniture. You might say, "Chairs are for sitting down," or "Please stand on the floor."

Attempting Something Dangerous

Sometimes "no" isn't enough to communicate possible danger. Instead, use strong adjectives or verbs with a tone of urgency to get your point across. "Parents forget that they have to work hard at the positive communication they have with kids for the negative to be effective," says Dr. Ricker.

She suggests parents communicate danger by "raising their voice, shaking their finger, or even looking scared." This means that if your toddler is about to touch the stove—even when it's off—express your fear with alarming phrases like "hot!" or "danger!" and immediately move them to a safer place.