A Parent's Guide to Age-Appropriate Discipline

Discipline confers a whole new role on Mom and Dad: "the heavy." It's one most of us aren't comfortable with; we prefer the warm, fuzzy picture of ourselves snuggling with our children, reading storybooks, providing kisses for boo-boos, and doling out unconditional love. Day-to-day life with a child can be far different from this rosy vision, however. And, as experts tell us, kids need firm, consistent limits for their emotional well-being. Failure to discipline your child can cause their misbehavior to escalate—and the frustration could lead to far greater implications down the road. Keep reading for our top age-appropriate discipline tactics for kids.

• RELATED: How to Discipline Your Kids—Without Destroying Their Self Esteem

Your 1-year-old is curious, energetic, and mobile. They're beginning to understand language and put words into context. They may not clearly grasp what "no" means or that yesterday's "no" also applies to today's experience. A 1-year-old hasn't learned how the world works—for instance, they don't realize that a glass vase can smash if it's knocked over. They want what they want now; waiting is extremely difficult, and they have no impulse control.

Best Discipline Strategies

• Keep your expectations reasonable. Demonstrate proper behavior, but don't insist on it. Your tone of voice and facial expressions convey lessons best. Be firm yet positive, and don't overreact.
• Focus on prevention. Childproof your home, and put away breakables. If they grab an off-limits item, take it away.
• Handle meltdowns by comforting and distracting. If your 18-month-old struggles to stay in the car seat, for example, console them and say that you know they dislike being strapped in but they must do it. Put them in, then divert their attention.

Life is an emotional roller coaster for a 2-year-old, who is beginning to make sense of their feelings. They constantly test their environment to get reactions from others: "What will happen if I refuse to wear my shoes? Children this age have trouble understanding and communicating their powerful—and sometimes overwhelming—emotions. They discover they won't get everything they want, and have frequent tantrums.

Best Discipline Strategies

• Minimize power struggles. State your expectations clearly, without yelling. Offer simple choices and don't over-estimate their abilities. If necessary, give them an incentive to cooperate. Realize that their job is to test you.
• Help them begin to master their feelings. If they hit, teach them to use their words ("I'm mad!"). Explain, "We don't hit" and "Hitting hurts." At about age 2 1/2, they'll start to develop empathy.
• Handle tantrums with care. Ignore the tantrum and don't give in, but remain close by until it stops. Then direct your child toward positive behavior. Though you shouldn't punish or isolate a 2-year-old with a time-out, you can briefly remove them from a situation to help them calm down.

Your 3-year-old's budding independence is a source of pride. Though they want to carry out requests that they're capable of doing, such as washing before bedtime, don't count on consistent cooperation. They comprehend the idea of cause and effect—for instance, that being "naughty" leads to a punishment and that behaving well gets your approval. Tantrums can still be common, but they may also sulk or whine. They're starting to handle frustration better.

Best Discipline Strategies

• Help with tasks. Don't punish your child for not following through on a request. Explain a job simply, get them started on it, and acknowledge their effort.
• Rehearse good behavior. Play games to practice routines. For example, try a get-ready-for-daycare game by playing a song and having your child try to finish three tasks before the music stops.
• Keep consequences short. A 3-year-old is now mature enough to handle a time-out of about three minutes (one minute per year). Head off trouble by averting frustration early.

Your preschooler's social skills are blossoming, and they struggle to balance their needs with those of others. They can focus more intently on games and activities—and because of this, making transitions can become especially difficult when they're having fun. They may whine more intensely because they're better able to think about what they lack and want. A 3-year-old sometimes bends the truth to fit a private version of reality, but they don't understand that this—as well as cheating—is wrong.

Best Discipline Strategies

• Allow plenty of time for transitions. Give your child advance notice, and avoid power struggles. For instance, consider granting a polite request to stay a few minutes longer at a playdate if there's no pressing need to leave. If they lose control, explain that the two of you will talk as soon as they can calm themselves down.
• Ignore whining. Respond as though your child is asking for something in an ordinary voice, and refuse or agree to the request as you normally would.
• Handle lies and cheating calmly. Such behavior is normal at this age. Don't shame your child or dwell on whether they did or didn't do something. For instance, if they spill a glass of milk and deny doing it, say, "those tumblers are hard to handle," then have them help clean up. They'll feel understood and less fearful of telling the truth in the future.

A 5-year-old grasps concrete consequences, and they're challenged to act according to their emerging sense of conscience. They're learning to put themselves in someone else's shoes. A 5-year-old is mature enough to follow rules and do some chores, but they may push the limits to test you. They're establishing better (though far from perfect) impulse control. Not getting their way may lead to outbursts, door slamming, and even hitting.

Best Discipline Strategies

• Broaden your child's view. Ask, "How would you like someone to do that to you?" Explain the effect of their behavior on others and the reasons for rules.
• Try a behavior-management system, such as the Smiley Face system, developed by Ruth Peters, Ph.D., author of It's Never Too Soon to Discipline (St. Martin's Griffin, 1998). Each morning, post a sheet of paper with three hand-drawn smiley faces on the refrigerator. Cross out one face after each misbehavior, and write down the nature of the infraction. Impose a consequence when all three faces are crossed out. If your child can get through the day with at least one smiley face left, reward them with a sticker for each.
• Use limits to emphasize self-control. For instance, set a timer and say, "You have three minutes to stop the fussing or you'll get a time-out."

Your child's world is expanding, and they're learning to deal with new social and academic pressures. They show appropriate self-control in school—cooperating in groups and raising their hand rather than shouting—and generally act out less often. They have difficulty waiting for long-term rewards and work best with frequent reinforcement. A 6- or 7-year-old wants to be treated more maturely because they're learning to handle new responsibilities, but they still need your help to reach their goals.

Best Discipline Strategies

• Encourage independent problem-solving skills. Instead of simply correcting them, teach prevention strategies. For instance, review a situation and help them fill in the blanks: "I fought because Joey wouldn't sit with me. I felt ____." Help them figure out better solutions.
• Think short-term. If your child keeps their room tidy, don't wait a week to reward them—provide a small daily incentive to keep them motivated. Your child also needs regular verbal reminders on issues like manners.
• Use praise to reward helpfulness. Have your 6- or 7-year-old help with chores so they can feel good about pitching in. This will build their self-esteem.
• In general, reinforce good behavior. If you've got to give a consequence, make sure it corresponds to the problem.

Children this age are learning about groups, social behavior, and where they fit in. They're old enough to follow through on expectations, though you'll see ups and downs as they become aware of how they stack up against their peers. They may swing from being cooperative to being difficult to motivate. They may also act preteenish—sensitive to comments and prone to back talk. An 8- to 10-year-old understands basic differences between right and wrong and looks to you for guidance and reinforcement.

Best Discipline Strategies

• Talk it out—sometimes. If their misbehavior is a type that you've discussed before and that your child knows is wrong, don't give it undue attention. Simply administer the consequence. For new problems, discussion is now a great tool. Talk about what happened and why. Then set an appropriate consequence together (but on your terms), and follow through on it.
• Try more grown-up approaches. Eight- to 10-year-olds respond well to having options. If your child is cutting corners on homework because they're too busy with outside activities, let them pick which ones to drop. They'll learn that life is about making choices and that privileges are earned by good behavior.
• Emphasize natural consequences and making amends. If your child doesn't put their clothes in the hamper, don't wash them. If they lose their friend's toy, have them replace it. If they're hurtful to a classmate, insist they apologize. This will reinforce your values and help them develop a sense of responsibility.

Sources: Michele Borba, Ed.D., Parents advisory-board member and author of Building Moral Intelligence (Jossey-Bass, 2001); Robin Goodman, director, AboutOurKids.org, New York University Child Study Center, in New York City; Ruth Peters, Ph.D., author of It's Never Too Soon to Discipline (St. Martin's Griffin, 1998); Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D., coauthor of Smart Love (Harvard Common Press, 2001); Lawrence E. Shapiro, Ph.D., author of An Ounce of Prevention (HarperCollins, 2000); Kevin Steede, Ph.D., author of 10 Most Common Mistakes Good Parents Make and How to Avoid Them (Prima, 1998).