What's the worst poop-related story you tell about your kids? I've always been pretty confident that I had the grossest one of all time. Are you ready? I was in the middle of potty training my son one day when he whipped decided to rip off his diaper and poop on the floor. Fun times! And it gets worse. Because while I ran into the kitchen to get an armload of cleaning supplies, the dog proceeded to walk over and lick the whole thing up.
Disgusting, right? But Omaha dad Jesse Mab-Phea Hill has me beat by a long shot, at least according to the now-viral poop story he posted on Facebook.
"I was having a pretty good day," he shares. "Dropped the boy off at school, worked out, let the dogs outside and began chilling like a boss in my man cave in the basement. I decided I wanted a piece of the chocolate cake, so I made my way up to the main floor. As I'm going upstairs I smell something foul. I scan the basement from the stairs thinking the dogs dropped a deuce before I let them outside. I see nothing..... And then my blood runs cold when I realize the stink is coming from the upper floor."
Ah, the feeling of impending doom. I have SO been there!
"I run up the stairs screaming no, no, no, no, till I get to Alessandras room," he continues. "There she is, standing at the baby gate, butt naked, holding her diaper, covered head to toe in her own crap. I'm not talking a little poop here and there on her. I'm talking layered on globs of human fecal matter covering her arms, legs, face and HAIR. It's bad."
Meanwhile, the freaked out father says he was tempted to just close his daughter's door, pretend he was asleep, and wait until his wife got home so she would have to deal with it. Sounds like a pretty good plan to me. Instead, he used two fingers on each hand to lift Alessandra up her by her armpits and shuffle her off to the bath. After 20 minutes, his little girl was finally clean again. But her room was another story.
"I walk in her room slowly and am greeted with a scene straight out of a German fetish dream," he explains. "The walls, the toys, the windows, the curtains, the play bench, the floor, the baby piano, my hopes, all covered in crap. I won't get into anymore graphic details but 2 rolls of paper towels, 5 stolen gym towels, 1 bottle of pine sol, 1 bottle of bleach, 1 big bag of crap covered toys and 2 1/2 hours later her room still smells like a dumpster fire. I swear I do everything I can to show these kids I love them but they turn on me when I least expect it. "
We totally feel your pain, Jesse!
He then went on to explain that he decided to share his post not just to strike fear in the hearts of new parents. "But also to remind myself that no matter what I'm going thru," he explained. "At least I'm not cleaning hot baby crap out of the gears of my daughter's play set again."
Pretty sure more apropos words have never been spoken.