If Toddlers Threw Their Own Parties, This is What They'd Look Like

Ball Pit of Emotions

Toddlers have a lot of feelings! Celebrate them by tossing the kids into a ball pit and letting them scream. They’ll have a dedicated safe, comfortable (and colorful!) place to let all their big emotions out as they rail against the many grave injustices in their lives, like “The juice is too red” and “Mom isn’t a bear” and “I can’t eat a battery.” You just might join them.

Guess What My Mommy Said

Here’s a party that gets toddlers what they crave: big reactions from grown-ups. The kids need only show up and loudly repeat the terrible, crass things they’ve heard you say when you’ve stubbed your toe. Make sure you invite your parents, pastor, boss, and anyone whose respect will be shattered the moment they hear your toddler cuss at the birthday cake.

Everything Poop

“How many toddlers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Poop and butt ha-ha-ha!” This is just an example of the kind of banter that goes down at this party. Parents, you know you’ve been weirdly casual about discussing the intricacies of your children’s bowel movements in public for years now, so this is for you too.

I Do It Myself

Your toddler insists, “I do it!” so ... let him! He can pull off this party himself. Just know that this themed bash lasts three times as long as usual, and in the end, once your tot has given up, you’ll have to conduct the festivities anyway.

Dressing Inappropriately

Summer parties are extra fun when the kids bundle up in snow pants and three layers of costume dress. In winter, they wear swimsuits and shorts. All ensembles can be finished with Mom’s high heels and, of course, underwear.

Boxes Rule

Everything! Cardboard! Boxes! Instead of presents: boxes! For party favors: tiny boxes! For food: pizza from a box! Naturally, the kids play with the pizza box after. Parents get boxed wine. #win #boxes