Cheating During Pregnancy Is More Common Than You Think
Gretchen was six months pregnant when she found out that Marcus, her live-in partner of nearly 10 years, had been having an affair. Devastated, she confronted him, and he confessed. Today, more than a year after her discovery, she is raising their toddler daughter alone and has still not told her family the real reason she and Marcus parted.
Pregnancy can lead to greater intimacy, but it also can trigger less pleasant changes in a relationship, including infidelity. Estimates of the number of men who stray during their partner’s pregnancy are understandably difficult to gauge, because it’s a topic no one wants to discuss. “You’re not likely to hear about it, especially during the pregnancy, but it’s probably more common than people suspect,” said Scott Haltzman, M.D., a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Brown University Medical School in Providence, R.I., and author of 2008’s The Secrets of Happily Married Women.
Perhaps surprisingly, the cheating isn’t necessarily about the need for sex itself. “It can also stem from an emotional need, like a desire to be cared for, to feel important or special,” Dr. Haltzman explained. Given all the changes that occur during pregnancy, such needs that might otherwise be satisfied by a man’s partner often go unmet. “For many men, engaging in sex is a form of emotional closeness,” Dr. Haltzman says. “When their partners push them away, they feel rejected not just sexually, but also emotionally.” Many men also fear the situation will get even worse after the baby is born.
Such was the case with Troy, who had an affair during his wife’s third pregnancy. “There was such a focus on her, with all she was going through and about to go through, that I became less and less relevant,” he recalled. At the same time, his wife began rejecting his sexual advances. Although he understood she was feeling insecure about her changing body, the rejection was still difficult to manage. “You only need to be turned away so many times before you get the picture,” he said. Troy’s wife never found out about his infidelity and they remain married today, although he has no regrets.
“I wanted to feel important and valued,” he said. “And it worked.” This doesn’t mean dads-to-be get a free pass for bad behavior. They should realize that a woman undergoes tremendous physical and emotional changes during pregnancy. A little understanding—on both sides—can go a long way.
Recognize the signs
While infidelity during pregnancy may be more common than we think, you shouldn't necessarily go looking for signs of infidelity. "Be alert in the same way you are alert to giving yourself a breast exam every month,” Dr. Houston said.
Ruth Houston, the founder of InfidelityAdvice.com and author of 2002’s Is He Cheating on You?–829 Telltale Signs, advises expectant moms to be mindful of the relationship challenges that pregnancy can pose. “It’s very important for women to be aware that this is a critical time and to be vigilant,” she advises, adding that potential clues include unexplained absences, strange phone calls, spending more time “at work,” less interest in sex and a greater focus on his appearance.
You have to be aware that hormones may be affecting your thoughts and emotions, Dr. Haltzman cautioned. Rather than jumping to conclusions alone, process your feelings with a trusted confidante outside the family. If a certain behavior seems suspect, ask questions rather than accuse when broaching the subject. “Your first approach may be to ask your partner if he can explain [the behavior in question],” Dr. Haltzman recommended. But because deceit is one of the hallmarks of infidelity, direct accusations will often be met with denial.
According to Dr. Haltzman, the only way to get confirmation may be to do a bit of investigating. Gretchen caught Marcus after reading incriminating text messages on his cellphone. If infidelity is confirmed, it’s time to seek assistance from an outsider. “You need to get a third party, like a therapist, involved to help you sort out what, if anything, is going on,” Dr. Haltzman said.
An ounce of prevention
Despite the challenges pregnancy brings to a relationship, infidelity is not inevitable. One thing you can do is sit down with your partner as early as possible in the pregnancy to discuss what your plans might be if your sexual interest drops. “If you say, ‘I really want to talk about our options if I don’t feel like having sex,’ believe me, he’s going to pay attention,” Dr. Haltzman said. And sex doesn’t have to involve intercourse. “Experiencing sexual release through touch, mouth, or massage speaks very powerfully to men,” he explains.
Reassure your mate that he’s still a priority, too. “Nurture his emotional needs and his need to feel important,” advised Dr. Haltzman. “Encourage him by telling him he’s going to be a great father.” And get him involved in the pregnancy and planning for a baby, focusing on his skills. While he may not want to discuss nursery colors, he may want to build a crib. Difficult as it may feel, actively preventing or addressing the issue can strengthen a relationship. “Infidelity is not a death knell; it’s often just a wake-up call,” Dr. Haltzman says. “Couples can absolutely rebound from this. Remember, you are going to have a child who will really benefit from having two parents in the household,” he added. “If you can find a way to make that happen, you shouldn’t lose the opportunity.”
Comments (11)
My sister husband is a nurse, during the Covid time he was working so much that he hardly came home. After some time he just comes home to change his clothes and back again, my sister started following him and discovered he was not going to work anymore, she got a service from ethical.gurru at gmail to spy on his phone, after some days she discovered that the husband has been seeing a 16 year old girl, so many pictures of other young girls were found on his phone and email, it was a very messy situation but I am glad she's over that now. I wonder where the parents of the girls are when things like these are happening.
Read More"I was with a girlfriend for five years and was making plans to propose to her. Then one day, she said she wanted to take a break to figure things out. That was about four years ago. She got married about two years after her "break" to a coworker who I later found out through the help of hackgoodnesstech on insta, gram that she had been cheating on me with the whole time we were together. I was devastated at the time, but now I think it was all for the best. Also, it's a small world, because her husband is cheating on her with my staff. Thanks karma!" I might just give my staff a promotion, what do you guys think
Read MoreThis article is terrible, focusing on making it the woman's responsibility to make sure her hub doesnt stray! These types of men are immature cads, and the potential for them cheating will always be THERE whether their wives are pregnant or not; how can they ever be trusted again; and why cant they sacrifice and give back without having their egos stroked 24/7? Just when a woman NEEDS the focus to be on her; women are always taking care of everyone else, its THEIR TIME when they are pregnant! And its their time together as a couple as well; if he was truly giving back and sacrificing for his wife and new baby, he would not have time for an affair with a stranger.
Read MoreI felt like I was reading an article from 1955! Are men not able to grow up, mature and understand their needs are not always front and center and they have a commitment and responsibility to uphold by being faithful to their wives no matter what the hardship might be?
If men are feeling needy when their wives are bearing their children, the greatest thing any woman can give a man, its time for THERAPY, not an affair!
Yes. I agree. I believe the goal was to give the make perspective. It seems to be very immature prospective. There’s no excuse.
Yes. I agree. I believe the goal was to give the make perspective. It seems to be very immature prospective. There’s no excuse.
Yep. I also love to cheat on my husband whenever my [filtered] is sad .
Read MoreIs it possible that maybe the pregnant women might do the cheating? I really want to know cause i dont if its the effect.
Read Morelast week my husband has presented me with divorce papers, It was the greatest shock of my life. I almost lost my life to alcohol... I lost my job, I got sick and was admitted into the hospital emergency ward, Two days later when I opened my eyes I saw my mom and my husband beside me holding my hands, I was shocked again and confused to see my husband. Then he knelt down and apologized that my bestfriend told a lie that I was cheating on him, He was advised to divorce me so they can get married. I didn't understand, until I was discharged.
Read Morelast week my husband has presented me with divorce papers, It was the greatest shock of my life. I almost lost my life to alcohol... I lost my job, I got sick and was admitted into the hospital emergency ward, Two days later when I opened my eyes I saw my mom and my husband beside me holding my hands, I was shocked again and confused to see my husband. Then he knelt down and apologized that my bestfriend told a lie that I was cheating on him, He was advised to divorce me so they can get married. I didn't understand, until I was discharged.
Read MoreThen he knelt down and apologized that my bestfriend told a lie that I was cheating on him, He was advised to divorce me so they can get married. I didn't understand, my husband open up the truth and make him remorseful to come apologized. It is left for me to forgive and accept him back, he has been calling my phone for days, sending alot of messages. I need the public opinion what should I do now?
Read More