Are you going crazy craving for coffee? Read this humorous advice for helping you get through this caffeine-challenged time.
You know your Blue Mountain from your Kona, and your barista sends you Christmas cards every year. But now that your baby's on the way, you're gonna have to cut back just a teensy bit from your six-cup-a-day habit. If you can't bear the thought of going a day without caffeine coursing through your veins, here are a few suggestions for surviving the next couple of trimesters going (almost) caffeine-free.
Ask your barista to lie to you. Maybe you'll actually believe that decaf latte is caffeinated if your barista says it's so.
Invest in a good nap mat. This will come in handy for that post-lunch snooze you're bound to take. (And don't forget to lobby your boss for a new afternoon siesta policy.)
Fancify your coffee. If you're going to have only one cup, make it a fabulous one. That whipped cream and chocolate has lots of calcium for your baby, right?
Give the death stare. When your coffee-drinking mate starts brewing his morning joe, put a stop to it immediately. Better yet, ban coffee from the house for nine months! If you can't have coffee, neither can he!
Think of weird coffee-food combinations. If morning sickness hasn't already killed your taste for coffee, just picture the most nausea-inducing food being dunked in your java. Tuna fish sandwich plus bacon plus pickles plus coffee equals an instant buzzkill.
Make it an eeny mini. Still want to keep up your six-cup-a-day habit? Better swap your mega mug for a mini espresso cup. Any coffee is better than no coffee.
Tell everyone you're a zombie. Are you looking (and feeling) extra sluggish? Tell everyone you're practicing for your role as a zombie for The Walking Dead.
Start a coffee countdown. Make one of those paper chains that helps count down the days until you can have a venti with an extra shot of espresso. Depending on how caffeine-dependent you are, you may be anticipating that venti even more than you are the baby.
Trade in coffee for toffee. Toffee may not have the same kick, but it's delicious. The similarities don't end there: Toffee covered in chocolate at least has a little bit of caffeine, and closing your eyes while crunching on toffee can help you imagine crunching on ice from iced coffee.
Beg for a coffee machine. Forget adding a posh stroller to your baby registry. Instead, put one of those fancy, thousand-dollar espresso makers on it instead as a new-mom splurge. After all, you'll need it for those late nights.
Wallow in your other sacrifices. Think about all the other things you're sacrificing -- cute dresses, sushi rolls, soft cheeses, and killer stilettos. You're guaranteed to feel less terrible about the loss of coffee.
So the next time you feel especially bummed about having to give up coffee, just imagine all the coffee you'll be drinking in a few months (nine and counting), even if it means you'll only be getting 15 minutes of sleep a night (if you're lucky!).
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