Make 20 cups of coffee. Don't drink any of them.

By Hollee Actman Becker
September 14, 2017
Mom Training
Credit: 279photo Studio/Shutterstock

We are already big fans of Laura Mazza over here. After all, the Australian blogger is known for being super-candid about everything from her postpartum bod to her post-kid sex life, to the fact that she sometimes feels like a crappy mom. Now the hilarious mama of 3 is back with some spot-on advice for first-time expectant parents in listicle form called "21Tips on How to Prepare for a Baby."

Her first piece of mom prep advice is solid AF: "Set an alarm for every two hours," she writes. "The alarm has to be loud enough for your neighbor to hear and it has to be high pitch and repetitive."

So. Damn. Relatable.

Ditto for number 7: "Don't shower," and number 9: "Stop brushing your teeth."

I feel both of those big time. Though TBH there's nothing a bottle of dry shampoo and a few shots of toothpaste squeezed straight into your mouth can't fix if you're feeling desperate.

I'm also partial to suggestions 11 through 13, which include: "Eat food one handed." "Make sure it's cold." And "Make 20 cups of coffee. Don't drink any of them."

Not to brag, but I am a total pro at all three of those things.

Number 17—"Practice googling 'reflux, colic, why isn't my baby sleeping, why does my baby hate me, how do I put my baby back in my uterus?'" is a no-brainer. Same goes for 19: "Ask people for advice on everything, tell them to get really extensive with it and condescending."

But Mazza saves her best piece of advice for last. "Watch your partner sleep and imagine shoving a stick into his snoring mouth," she advises. "Hate him. Tell him he's an a#$hole who doesn't get it and ignore him. The more you ignore or yell the better it'll be for him when the baby comes—if he looks confused... you are ready."

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We know it's a lot to tackle, but no one ever said motherhood is easy and practice makes perfect. At least there's some solace to be found in the fact that in the end it will all be worth it... right?

Hollee Actman Becker is a freelance writer, blogger, and mom of two who writes about parenting and pop culture. Check out her website for more, and then follow her on Instagram