The always funny Laguardia Cross and his pregnant wife encourage you to learn from their mistakes when it comes to pregnant love-making.
We are huge fans of the hilarious videos dad LaGuardia Cross makes with his adorable 2-year-old daughter Amalah. But his latest upload—called “Pregnant Love Lessons”—is strictly for all of us grown-ups.
“These lessons come directly from our most failed attempt at pregnant love making,” Cross wrote on YouTube, where he posted the vid. “We’ve learned and we hope you can to.”
Right on! The clip begins with a quick disclaimer—“Amalah’s here but this really isn’t for kids. Adults only”—before Cross starts breaking down the steps for expectant couples looking to get a little somethin’ somethin’ with the help of his always-game (and currently knocked-up) wife Leah.
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Yet despite the couple’s warning, they somehow manage to keep this thing entirely PG, thanks to their creative use of a bunch of hilarious metaphors and analogies. Which means even if your own kid is currently peeping over your shoulder, you can feel free to keep right on watching.
So here goes:
First things first: If you’re itching for some action, the first step is to stash your kids somewhere. Because duh. “If you have a born child already, the first thing you do is put them to bed immediately,” Laguardia explains. Then he quickly tosses Amalah onto her toddler bed and throws a comforter on top of her. Savage!
You’re also gonna need a little help in the kitchen: “I guess with pregnancy sometimes your pan can be dry,” LaGuardia explains, looking over to Leah for confirmation. “And so if your pan is dry, make sure to oil the pan.”
BAHAHAHA. We see what you did there, dude. Go ahead and oil up those pans, ladies! And P.S. we know he’s not really talking about baking here, but is anyone else now craving cake?
Also, guys? You’re going to need to be patient with your baby mamas. Verrrry patient. Because sex while preggers is hard work, and finding a comfortable position while rocking a bump the size of a watermelon is next to impossible—a point LaGuardia perfectly underscores by filming Leah struggling to get in formation while the old AOL dial-up sound plays in the background.
So brilliant! Then he gives her a bunch of pillows—by which I mean he throws them at her face—and the pair is finally ready to move on to the main event.
Which means it’s time to switch over to a car metaphor! “You get the keys, put them in the ignition, slowly press your foot on the gas, and you get moving,” LaGuardia explains. Wink, wink.
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We don’t want to ruin the ending for you, but let’s just say that the couple encounters a few more speed bumps before finally arriving at their planned destination. Well at least one of them arrives, if you know what I mean.
Watch and learn, people. Watch. And. Learn.
Hollee Actman Becker is a freelance writer, blogger, and mom of two who writes about parenting and pop culture. Check out her website holleeactmanbecker.com for more, and then follow her on Instagram and Twitter.