Joe DeProspero has two sons and a wife, and he is complimentary birth control for anyone who sits near him in a restaurant. His writing has been described as "outrageous," "painfully real," and "downright humiliating." Author of the dark comedy fiction novel "The Boy in the Wrinkled Shirt," Joe is also writing a parenting humor book. He posts twice monthly and his previous posts can be found here. He currently lives in New Jersey and can be followed on Twitter @JoeDeProspero.
My friends who don't have children relentlessly hurl sympathy at me like Angry Birds whenever the film is brought up.
"Ugh, I have no idea how you tolerate that stuff. I'd rather have my pockets stuffed with filets, be tethered and hung over a pack of hungry wolves."
My friends can be pretty dramatic. But the crux of their argument holds water. They hate the idea of having to watch a movie written for children 200 times in a month. In fairness, who would want to do such a thing? But many of us do it to please our kids, despite how unnerving it can be to grow so familiar with a movie you can't stand. It's like knowing all the lyrics to a Ke$ha song. You know it's nothing to be proud of, but it's infected your psyche, and there's nothing you can do about it.
With that said, I am going to admit something I probably shouldn't...but I love "Frozen!" I love the songs, I love that cute little snowman Olaf, and I love that it exists in a "happily ever after" world when there is so much about the real world to bring us down. And my wife and two young sons love it even more. However, I'm crying foul on a handful of scenes that just make no sense to me at all. I realize it's a movie. But bear with me as I go over some off-putting aspects of "Frozen" that I simply cannot ignore any longer. If you're a parent of young kids who miraculously has avoided the film so far, this post will include plenty of spoilers. You've been warned.
- Why doesn't Elsa just TELL Anna that she has special powers that could kill her?
This is easily the part of the film I have the biggest problem with. Elsa nearly whacked Anna when they were children, so Grand Pappy, the magical troll, removes the ice from her head and also conveniently removes all memories of her sister Elsa's magic. So, their parents' solution is to keep Elsa locked in a room for years, away from anyone she might accidentally murder. Seems about right. Except for the fact that they could have easily told Anna, "Listen, honey, Elsa has this problem where she might inadvertently freeze your face off if you touch her." Seems like a normal conversation between daughter and parent to me.
- Why is Hans suddenly a sociopath?
He's the perfect gentleman for 75 minutes, then all of a sudden...BOOM. He's Christian Bale in American Psycho. I get it. They were trying to make him as detestable as possible, so viewers would know who the bad guy was. But if this movie was trying to move away from traditional fairy tale norms, they could have just had Anna tell Hans, "Look, we were drunk. It was stupid. I don't know your last name. Thanks for taking care of Arendelle and all that crap. But it's time to leave."
- How does Elsa not know Olaf's name?
When Anna finally reaches the ice castle and approaches Elsa, everyone's new favorite snowman, Olaf enters the scene. Elsa is perplexed by this. "Olaf?" she wonders aloud, as if she had never seen him before. SHE MADE HIM. And if you're going to tell me that this is the same snowman she made when they were kids and that's why she doesn't remember, why wasn't Olaf talking in that original scene? Did he only develop speaking skills later in life, like a baby? This is all very confusing. Elsa birthed Olaf and should damn well know his name. What kind of sorceress is she?
- If Grand Pappy was taking a nap, how did he know about Elsa striking Anna's heart?
For an old guy, Grand Pappy is quite mentally spry. He emerges from a snooze to tell Anna he can't help her with the "ice in her heart put there by her sister." How did he know about that? Did he just guess by looking at her? Or did he look in his crystal ball and was already aware? And if that's the case, WHY WAS HE TAKING A NAP WHEN SOMEONE WAS DYING?! Grand Pappy needs to reassess his priorities. The guys sleeps way too much during crises.
- So, Arendelle welcomes back a Queen who abandoned the city under duress, practices sorcery, and left them all to die in a tundra?
I know it wasn't intentional and all, but I'd consider moving to a neighboring community if my head of state was throwing ice at people and suddenly changed the temperature from 80 to 20 degrees while I was wearing a t-shirt and cargo shorts.
In closing, yes, I understand that it's a movie. And yes, that doesn't change things.