You'd throw yourself in front of a speeding train for either of them, but make no mistake: Your fur baby and your real baby are as different as night and day. Here, a dozen ways to distinguish the two.
1. Feeding your fur baby takes approximately two minutes a day. Feeding your real baby takes the other 1,438.
2. It's a fact: Your real baby gets cuter every single day. You'd deny this all day long, but you secretly think your fur baby was cutest as a puppy.
3. Your fur baby's entertainment needs consist of a $1.27 tennis ball. You'll consider getting a second job to pay for your real baby's karate/ballet/tuba/SCUBA/singing lessons.
4. If your fur baby can't roll over or shake on command, NBD. If your 11-year-old can't tie her own shoes, prepare to be judged.
5. People beg you to let them watch your fur baby all the time (FOR FREE). You've got to pay someone $15 an hour to eat your food while your real baby sleeps just so you can go out to dinner.
6. Your fur baby's whining is adorable. Your real baby's whining? Not so much.
7. You know what your fur baby wants for Christmas? A pat on the head. (Don't be surprised if you get a six-page single-spaced annual list from your real baby.)
8. Your fur baby gives you a sad face when you leave the house. Your real baby clings to your leg like a barnacle when you (try to) go to the bathroom.
9. There's not a thing your fur baby can do that makes you feel like you "deserve" a glass of wine. Ahem.
10. Your fur baby will happily devour the same dinner day in and day out for all of eternity. Your real baby will wake up tomorrow and declare she's allergic to [insert yesterday's favorite food].
11. You can stick your fur baby in a cage while you enjoy a grown up evening. Try that with your real baby and you'll know firsthand how realistic OITNB is.
12. No matter what you say or do to your fur baby, he will never ever slam a door in your face and tell you that you ruined his life. Just saying.