If only a government agency would swoop in and order these things back whence they came. These are the recalls we truly want!
Recalled: The Super Why Theme Song
Parents have been found singing the addictive melody in elevators, during meetings, and while conducting surgery. There have also been instances of parents shouting, "You have the power to read!" on public transportation and getting injured trying to show children how to fly into a book. Related: Several parents were hurt "Hip Hip Hooray"-ing into furniture and down stairways.
Next steps: Give in and become a word-problem-solving nursery-rhyme superhero. Obviously.
Recalled: The mold you bought to make personalized cake pops for every child in your kid's preschool class.
Insanity. Despair. Questioning where your life went wrong as you try to unstick the globs of melted candy from your kitchen counter and several pieces of silverware. "Was it Braydon or Brendan?" you sob, tearing open yet another edible-ink pen and knocking a bowl of crumbled cake bits to the floor.
Next steps: Stop what you're doing. They're preschoolers. Chances are, by the time your cake pops are distributed, these kids will have covered themselves in temporary tattoos and have at least a few Starburst candies in their hair.
Recalled: The instruction manual for the Ultra Speed HyperVertical Toy Racetrack
Parents said, "This manual makes no sense" and "It looks like it was written by an angry robot." Some suffered mishaps after believing that the directions instructed them to install the track on the roof, while others quit their job and stopped bathing in an effort to "JUST GET THIS THING PUT TOGETHER ALREADY." Also, once it's fully installed, kids lose interest and refuse to play with it ever again.
Next steps: Get down from the roof and build a full-size racetrack for real cars. It will be easier.
Recalled: Last Tuesday, from approximately 8 to 11:15 a.m.
There was the toilet incident, and then the wet rug and ruined padding that had to be pulled up because of the toilet incident, and then the "helpful" guy at the home-improvement store, and what the dog did with the birthday cupcakes while you were at the above-mentioned store ... let's just say it didn't happen.
Next steps: Not sure what this means because IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
Recalled: Advice from strangers in public places
On approximately 14 trillion occasions per year, unsolicited advice is offered in restaurants, in checkout lines, and at 30,000 feet in the air, starting with the phrases "In my day..." and "What that kid needs...," leading to parental anger, frustration, and sarcasm.
Next steps: Smile and say, "Thank you! I had a feeling I was doing it wrong. Please show us how it's done." Then have your whole family mimic the advice-giver's speech, facial expressions, and behavior until the person backs away.
Product Recalls: What to Do
Originally published in the January 2015 issue of Parents magazine.