Hilarious Mom Duo Jokes About How to Avoid Postpartum Sex If You're Not Ready For It
Cat and Nat have seven kids between them so they know how stressful postpartum sex can be. In their book, Mom Truths, they share funny advice on how to handle it.
Disclaimer: We joke around about this stuff, but we also know that for some moms out there, postpartum sex can be a huge issue in their relationships—and the source of a lot of stress. It's been a big issue for both of us (we have seven kids between us!), so we know.
In all seriousness give it time. And tell your guy (or gal) that they need to give it time, too. But in the meantime, we offer some tricks in our book Mom Truths on how to dodge postpartum sex until you are ready for it.
You can’t give him a peek.
I basically have to put on a winter parka and snow pants when I leave the shower. If I'm in a towel and he sees me, he thinks it's an invitation.
Hide any new underwear.
The absolute worst thing you can do is let him see that you've bought new underwear. Doesn't matter if it's a thong or a pair of Fruit of the Looms. He thinks there's going to be a show tonight.
Have a ride or die friend who is quick on the trigger.
At dinner Nat's husband asked, "How long do we have to wait until we can have sex again?" Although most doctors recommend six weeks or so, Cat blurted out, "12 weeks!" He totally bought it! Nat was literally in tears trying not to laugh.
Flip on the TV and find a show he likes.
Or put on some sports. Make sure he's hooked. Then pretend you're going to the bathroom and never come back. By the time he figures it out, you're already asleep. Better luck tomorrow night, big guy!
Tell him you have your period and don’t want to have sex.
“Oh, bad news, babe—I've still got my period.” He might get suspicious if he's good at math. But he can't risk accusing you of lying. If you're feeling ambitious, package the 10-day period with complaining about your period a few days before it arrives. You've got two weeks in the clear!
Fake being asleep.
The big part of getting this one right is the breathing. You can't be too quiet or exaggerate it too much—he'll know you're pretending. And don't open your eyes. If you open your eyes, it's over.
Don't read this article next to your partner in bed.
You don't want him getting a peek at the battle plan. If he asks what you're reading about, tell him it's a chapter on nutritional content in school lunches. Trust us: He'll lose interest immediately.
Cat and Nat teamed up some seven years ago when Nat heard Cat had a baby. Nat had just had one of her own and was eager to share her experienced mom advice. Out of that friendship came their tour, merchandising, a podcast, more than a million fans on social media, and a funny, honest, and vulnerable book titled, Mom Truths. From outrageous stories and myth-busting to much-needed parenting advice, the book is made for moms everywhere.