Practically everything that comes out of Tina Fey's mouth is funny and insightful—and that goes double for her thoughts on parenthood. From waxing poetic about breastfeeding to airing her grievances about being a working mom, here are the best parenting quotes from the comedian behind the hit show 30 Rock and author of bestselling books including Bossypants.
"'My mother did this for me once,' she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby's neck. 'My mother did this for me.' And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a mental note to call me. And she will forget. But I'll know."
We all have a deeper appreciation for our parents once we become parents ourselves.
"You're just like a human napkin for kids, like, they just wipe their face on you and stuff."
And the weird part? It doesn't really faze you.
"I never get to go to movies, because I'm a mom."
And let's be honest, if we did, we'd probably fall asleep.
"It's so funny because they're not strong enough to kill you. And they want to kill you so bad! They can't kill you. Not yet. Try again in a couple years."
They probably will try again in a couple of years (#teenagers).
"It is less dangerous to draw a cartoon of Allah French-kissing Uncle Sam—which, let me make it very clear, I have not done—than it is to speak honestly about working moms."
It's sad, but true.
"Little kids' birthdays in my neighborhood were simple affairs. Hot dogs, Hawaiian Punch, Pin the Tail on the Donkey, followed by cake and light vomiting. (Wieners, punch, and spinning into barfing would later be referred to as 'the Paris Hilton.')"
Times, how they've changed!
"Ah, babies! They're more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts."
But, hey, it's a nice bonus.
"Whatever you do breastfeeding-wise—great. Great. Whatever."
The important thing is doing what works for you and your baby. That's what's best.
"You go through big chunks of time where you're just thinking, 'This is impossible—oh, this is impossible.' And then you just keep going and keep going, and you sort of do the impossible."
Admit it: You didn't think you'd get through the newborn phase, but you killed it.
"The ideal situation for a parent is one that no one has—having a fulfilling job that requires you to work three days a week. It's better for the parents, because they get to spend time with the children and also have a source of pride and achievement—and income—outside the home."
How incredible would that be?! For now, we'll all just keep dreaming.
"I think this is ingenious marketing, but that princess thing sets off an alarm bell for me. [I'm afraid] all that might creep back into our culture. That a girl would aspire to be the Little Mermaid, a beautiful redhead with no legs who waits for her prince! Who literally gives up her voice! What are we doing? What is going on?"
We obviously can't control everything our kids see, but we can set an example for them.
"When the crystal meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with beer."
"Grant [my daughter] a rough patch from 12 to 17. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, for childhood is short—a tiger flower blooming magenta for one day—and adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait."
Seriously, who could have said this better?