Who needs parenting books when there's Amy Poehler? The Parks and Recreation" star, author of Yes Please, and mom of two boys (who she shares with ex-husband Will Arnett) says what every parent knows deep down inside—and she does it funnier and more eloquently than most. Here are Poehler's 13 most insightful quotes on parenting.
1. On parental exhaustion: "Sleep at this point is just a concept, something I'm looking forward to investigating in the future."
We hear you, Amy. We hear you.
2. On parental confusion: "Sometimes I forget where I'm driving them to. I do just stop in the middle of road and go, 'Where are we going? How are we in this car? Who am I dropping off? and Where are we going?' That happens a lot. It's a lot of forgetful stuff that every mother has to deal with."
You know what they say: One kid is like one, two is like 20.
3. On the plight of working and stay-at-home moms: "When you're a stay-at-home mother you have to pretend it's really boring, but it's not. It's enriching and fulfilling, and an amazing experience. And then when you're a working mother you have to pretend that you feel guilty all day long."
Bottom line: All mothers have stuff they have to deal with.
4. On the basics of parenting: "Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers...for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.
No child can resist the power of googly eyes and a stuck-out tongue.
5. On what moms need most: "Every mother needs a wife who takes care of her and helps her become a better mother."
Yaaasss, Amy. (Where can we get our own?)
6. On doing what you've gotta do: "Sometimes you need to straight up yell at them."
Unfortunately, it's the only thing that works sometimes.
7. On choosing to be a working mom: "I have always had a job, so when I had my two children I didn't assume I would stop working. I slowed down, which I was happy to do. I was grateful that I could. Most can't. However, I had no plans of being a full-time stay at home mother. This is not to say I don't think being a stay at home mother is not a job. It certainly is. It's just not for me. Remember my motto, 'good for you, not for me.'"
One mom's choice isn't for everyone. (So no judging.)
8. On the love she has for her sons: "I swear, if I could eat my children, I would. I'd consume them like some beast in a Hieronymus Bosch painting, but in a friendlier, more mom-like way. Their little bodies make me salivate. It takes everything I have not to swallow them whole."
What parent can't relate to this? (Strangely enough!)
9. On how our children change us: "When your children arrive, the best you can hope for is that they break open everything about you. Your mind floods with oxygen. Your heart becomes a room with wide-open windows."
There isn't a mom or dad alive who can't relate to such a sentiment. Kids change everything.
10. On the messiness of parenthood: "There's a lot of peeing."
Among other things...
11. On kids' "generosity:" "[My kids are] doing this kind of funny fake thing where they're being very generous and wanting to give away a lot of their toys to children that don't have them, and I'm like 'That's very nice,' and then they say 'Well, because then it will clear a lot of space for the new things that we expect to now get.'"
We're on to you, kids! Your cuteness can't bamboozle us. (We'll keep telling ourselves that, right?)
I'd wager many women think of pregnancy this way, but it's a pretty great picture to paint when you're seven months in.
13. On doing what's best for you: "I have many friends who have had natural childbirth. I applaud them. I have friends who have used doulas and birthing balls and pushed out babies in tubs and taxicabs. I have a friend who had two babies at home! In bed! Her name is Maya Rudolph! She is a goddamn baby champion and she pushed her cuties out 'Little House on the Prairie' style! Good for her! Not for me."
Again, to each their own.