Raising Your First vs. Your Second Child

After our first child, we still had energy and hope. We were committed to providing him with the best upbringing imaginable. But then the second child came along and everything fell apart. We also realized that all that amazing parenting we were doing was as unnecessary as rotating the tires on our car. Read this humorous parenting take on how raising a firstborn is different from raising a second-born!

Shoes Peter Ardito

Food
First Kid: All homemade in special baby-food processor. Quinoa! Spinach! Sweet potatoes!
Second Kid: Crackers.

Bed
First Kid: Crib that Daddy put together himself while Mommy yelled at him.
Second Kid: Mommy's bed. Daddy now has his own room with a mattress on the floor surrounded by dirty socks.

Clothes
First Kid: One hundred percent organic cotton. Some even made of bamboo?
Second Kid: His brother's old clothes.

Parties
First Kid: In our backyard with a piñata hanging from the Japanese maple.
Second Kid: Pizza on the floor.

Bathing
First Kid: Every night in a special bathtub that's just the right size. Hand-washed with a soft cloth or silky sponge.
Second Kid: Twice a week. Swimming pools count.

Nighttime Routine
First Kid: Swaddled in a Miracle Blanket. "Baby Beluga" sung to him. Asleep by 7:30 p.m.
Second Kid: Falls asleep on the sofa with mom's boob in his mouth at 10:30 p.m.

Friends
First Kid: Playgroups, mommy and baby get-togethers in the park!
Second Kid: His brother's friends.

Toys
First Kid: All handmade out of wood. Mostly Swedish.
Second Kid: The boxes his brother's toys came in.

TV Rules
First Kid: PBS/Sesame Street only. Two 23-minute shows per day.
Second Kid: Has his own Netflix account.

Shoes

First Kid: Something European with an umlaut in its name.
Second Kid: Old muddy shoes with faded umlaut and missing sole insert.

Potty Training
First Kid: Diapers, then some kind of training underwear, then underwear.
Second Kid: Might crap in a diaper until college.

Babysitter
First Kid: A wonderful woman named Sarah, whom he loves and will cherish for the rest of his life.
Second Kid: Doesn't have one. We never go out.

From This Is Ridiculous This Is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists, by Jason Good. Copyright 2014 by author. Printed by permission of Chronicle Books LLC.

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