10 "Helpful" Ways to Prepare Your First-Time Parent Friends
Want to really help prep your friends for the reality of parenthood? Try these, uh, unconventional strategies. We're sure they'll appreciate every nonsensical 3 a.m. phone call to get them used to a nonexistent sleep schedule.
- Let nine to 13 raccoons loose in their apartment. (If for some reason using raccoons in your area is prohibited, wolverines/bear cubs/ feral cats are also fine.)
- Every day for a solid month, call them and insist on having a totally nonsensical 30-minute conversation at 11:30 p.m., 1:30 a.m., 3:30 a.m., and 5:30 a.m.
- Hire a psychologist (or someone dressed like a psychologist) to make them second-guess all their decisions. If they complain that their decisions are bad because they’re overtired (because someone keeps calling them at 11:30, 1:30, 3:30, and 5:30), congratulations! Your plan is working.
- Steal a third of their income.
- Rub everything they own with dairy products and a toilet brush so that they always smell like spoiled milk and dirty diapers.
- Honestly, maybe steal closer to three-quarters of their income.
- Blast an air horn right next to their ear whenever they are trying to think or focus on anything important. If they ask you to stop, tell them the air horn requires them to feed it or hold it before it stops.
- Send them e-vites to cool, interesting gatherings and parties in which the only functioning reply option is, “Sorry, unable to attend.”
- Sign them up for a full-time gig as an Uber driver while disabling their ability to accept payment.
- Spend two hours trying to come up with something that would explain the amount of love they’re going to feel for their child before realizing there is nothing that can prepare you for that.