The parenting quiz with no wrong answers.
1. How did you get that stain on your shirt?
a) Lunch projectile
b) Paintbrush-battle intervention
c) Bath crayon gone rogue
d) Any of the above
2. Why did you just walk into the kitchen?
a) To get coffee?
b) To make someone's lunch?
c) To get your hairbrush? It's as likely there as anywhere.
d) If you stand there long enough you'll remember.
3. What was that noise?
a) Rabid badgers. Or children.
b) What noise?
c) Two boys playing what they call "The Game of Ouch"
d) Oh, they'll be fine.
4. What's on today's schedule?
a) Girl Scouts, soccer, PTA planning meeting for Carnival Night, moms' night out
b) Figuring out how to get out of planning meeting for Carnival Night in order to get to moms' night out
c) Negotiating car pools to soccer and Scouts after remembering you're chair of the planning committee for Carnival Night
d) Wait. Carnival Night?
5. How do you and your spouse decide who's taking your child to the birthday party at the bouncy place?
a) You have a point system for determining a party's crazy- making potential and divide the share accordingly.
b) Thumb-wrestling tournament
c) The parent who goes to the bouncy place is excused from taking children to get dental work and haircuts.
d) You go. You love bouncy places!
6. Who started it?
a) He did.
b) She did.
c) You did?
d) You don't know. You were in the kitchen. For some reason.
If you answered these questions on a chaise longue while your kids whipped you up a fabulous dinner after cleaning the house ...
Congratulations! You win at parenting. Now don't tell anyone.
If you answered while sitting in the front row at a school performance ...
You sure can multitask! But it's time to put the quiz down and hold your iPad up in the air and record your kid so the parent behind you can't see the show.
If you answered while being tied to a chair by your children because you're their pirate prisoner ...
At least you have a good excuse for not going to the bouncy place!
If you said you love the bouncy place ...
You are not a parent. You somehow found this quiz and saw that question and thought, "Hey! I like places. I like bouncing." But liking the bouncy place means you like a humid facility that smells like sauerkraut, and where you are rewarded in the end with a goody bag full of inflatable hammers and an immediate head cold. The love for the bouncy place is the number-one thing separating kids from grown-ups today. So put the quiz down now, you impostor.
If you took this quiz while home with a head cold after a party at the bouncy place ...
We're so sorry. Now find coffee and get to work. Next year's Carnival Night isn't going to plan itself.