Helping Your Kid Deal With the Disappointment of Not Having a Sibling

Once you're a parent for a couple of years, you're likely used to people asking when you're going to have another baby. While this question can feel rude and intrusive it's easy to change the subject. But things can start to feel more complicated when it's your child asking the question.

Read on for tips on how to help your kid deal with the disappointment of not having a sibling.

Kids Will Compare Families

"My son was around 3 years old when he started asking if he was going to get a baby brother or sister," says Victoria Pollard, a mother of one in North Carolina. "I think around that time, he saw some of his friends getting baby siblings, and he wondered if that was something our family would do."

Initially, Pollard struggled to answer his questions, "I love being a family of three, and I think it's right for us, but there's a big part of you that wants to make your child happy," she says.

While it's common for kids to wonder why their family doesn't look like another that they've seen in person or on television, for some children, the desire for a sibling is more than just a passive wondering. "Not all only children have a desire for a sibling, but for those that do, it can be normal for the issue to come up again and again at different points in their childhood," says Michelle Harris, LCSW, MA, founder and CEO of Parenting Pathfinders.

A child's disappointment can look different over time

Children who ask for a sibling may go through different stages of expressing what having a sibling means. For example, younger children will notice differences in family sizes among peers, while older kids may express a more personalized desire for a sibling.

"As kids are growing through different stages, they might miss the sibling they don't have in different ways," Harris notes. "A 3-year-old might wonder why they don't have a sibling because their best friend does. A 6-year-old might long for the playmate they imagine a sibling would be, and a teenager may wish for a confidant as they navigate late adolescence."

Ways to Help Your Child Process Their Disappointment

When kids struggle to manage their feelings of disappointment around not having a sibling, parents might be unsure about the best way to respond. Experts say that, while this particular disappointment can feel unique, parents can feel confident responding in much the same way they would to any major disappointment a child experiences.

Here are some specific strategies you can use to help your child through their feelings.

Validate their big feelings

When kids express big feelings, it's important for parents to make sure they know they are heard. "Parents can validate their kid's feelings by actively listening to what they are saying and responding by sharing back what you heard them say," says Harris. Validation often sounds like, "I hear how much you want a sibling, I know it can be hard not to have something that you really want. I'm so glad that you're telling me the things that you want and that are important to you."

Answer questions in an age-appropriate manner

Kids of a certain age often seem like "why?" machines, but it can be tough for parents to know what they should or shouldn't share with their kids. This can be especially true when the reason they don't have a sibling feels like a grown-up topic.

"I encourage parents to think about their child's age and the information they are capable of handling and find a way to tell them why they don't have a sibling in an age-appropriate manner," says Dr. Magavi. "When kids don't know why they're missing something in their life, they often believe it has something to do with them."

Get to the bottom of their desire

While the desire for a sibling may seem simple on the surface, the reason behind the desire can vary greatly from kid to kid. "Some kids imagine that a sibling might fill the role of a playmate while others like the idea of having a baby to care for, and still others imagine that it would give them a sense of closeness that they're not feeling with other family members," says Harris.

When parents respond with curiosity and a desire to learn more about why their child has such a strong desire, they might be able to help meet the underlying needs in other ways. You may find that your child's desire for a sibling will fade after you've identified their unmet need.

If you think your child may need more exposure to other kids, consider a few creative options:

• Set up a regular play date with a friend.
• Get involved in a class, club, or regular activity that suits your child's interests.
• Create opportunities for your child to spend more time with family members similar in age.

Respond clearly and highlight the positives

It might feel softer to respond with a "maybe" rather than a "no," but parents should avoid giving their child false hope if they know they won't be adding to their family. It is important to be compassionate, but clear.

Teach strategies for dealing with sadness

"Different tools work for different kids," says Dr. Magavi. "Parents can encourage kids to try out a range of strategies for coping with feelings of sadness like painting, drawing, journaling, talking with friends or family members, exercising, or engaging in another hobby they enjoy."

Once a kid identifies strategies that work for them, parents can remind them of what has helped them feel better in the past if they're feeling particularly down.

Set loving boundaries

Sometimes, managing a child's persistent desire for a sibling can take an emotional toll on parents, especially if they, too, experience sadness about their family size.

"It's okay to set loving boundaries," says Harris. "It's okay to tell a child that you've already responded to their question and ask them to remind you what you said instead of going over the same things time and again."

Victoria Pollard's son is happy and thriving in school, and a big move landed their family in a neighborhood with many other kids his age.

"I think having so many kids to play with and getting to spend a lot of great quality time with myself and his dad have helped him move past the questions he used to ask about having a sibling," says Pollard. She's looking forward to seeing him grow up and enjoy life as a family of three. "I love our little unit," she says, "it feels perfect for us."