Pregnant Redditor Wants To Know How to Share Her News With a Friend Who Is Struggling With Infertility

Many people struggling with infertility will tell you that pregnancy announcements can cut like a knife. The people sharing news of their soon-to-be new family member don't mean any harm—they're excited. But to someone having trouble conceiving, it can feel isolating, like everyone in the world has the one thing they want.

One newly-pregnant Redditor has a friend dealing with fertility issues. They aren't sure how to tell their friend their news, so they turned to Reddit for advice.

"One of my best friends has struggled with her fertility for three years and has not been able to get pregnant," started u/ahbergg in the Baby Bumps subreddit. "She knows that we aren't trying, so that makes it worse, I feel like."

The friend has already told the original poster (OP) that she will be upset when the first person in the friend group announces a pregnancy, so she wants to be thoughtful about how she breaks the news.

"If you've been in her shoes, what would have been helpful for you? Or if you've been in a similar situation of needing to tell a friend who has had fertility problems, how did you do it?" the OP asked.

Nearly 100 Redditors responded with kind and helpful advice. Texting was the general consensus.

"I vote text…it allows your friend to have whatever reaction she might have instead of trying to cover it with excitement. I just did this with a dear friend, and it truly sucks…I would also recommend that you give her the space to opt into or out of social things around you as needed (and try not to take it personally)," wrote the top commenter.

Other Redditors, who dealt with infertility, agreed.

"[Text is] what I would have preferred because honestly, I was so up and down. I also recommend not making it about the infertility. Something like…'I want to let you know that I am pregnant. It was not expected, but we are happy. I love you and just wanted to tell you one-on-one in a private way,'" the person suggested.

"I've been the friend dealing with infertility in this scenario, and I think my friend did an amazing job at telling me. She texted me, 'I wanted to let you know that I'm pregnant…No need to respond either way, but [I] love you and just wanted to let you know.' I took about an hour to cry and process, and then got excited for her and sent a congratulatory text," another said.

But one poster emphasized that even if OP says everything right, the friend may not feel like celebrating—and that's OK.

"[I] gave the facts, sent it late in the day, and gave her space to process. I haven't heard from her since and haven't reached out after I texted. It stinks, but I respect her need for space and to process," the commenter said.

It's a sticky situation, but people dealing with infertility deserve support and compassion.

Other do's and don'ts experts suggest include:

• Avoid cliché, unsolicited advice. "Just relax," "take a vacation," and "it will happen when you stop thinking about it" are often not helpful to the person on the receiving end. Think about it: When someone tells you to relax, do you chill or get even more upset? And it's challenging to stop thinking about infertility when everyone else seems to be having babies, or you're going through treatments that require shots and doctor's appointments.
• Don't suggest adoption. It's wonderful but may not be what the person wants. They're probably well aware of this option.
• Share your fertility struggles. If you went through IVF, a miscarriage, or had other problems conceiving or pregnancy loss, let the person know. Offer to be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. It can help the person feel less alone.

About 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility. Remember, that statistic could include a friend. Offer kindness, even if it means sharing your pregnancy with them differently than you planned or understanding when they RSVP no to your baby shower.