Breaking the Generational Curse of the Strong Black Woman

Brandy Wells' mother raised three children, each more than five years apart and with different fathers. With each father in and out of their children's lives, her mother faced many challenges. Still, most of Wells' memories of her mother are of her "working tirelessly" and taking care of everyone else around her.

"In the moments looking back where I knew I would have crumbled, my mother stood tall, soaked up her tears, and proceeded to move forward," Wells says. "I have very few memories of her taking a break."

As a mother of three children herself, Wells, 36 from Columbus, Ohio, asks her mother if she ever wanted to give up. Her mom's response: "I never had a choice." Wells is proud to be the "product of such a resilient human," but she grieves for the woman who didn't have space to be anything but "strong" no matter what.

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We all know one if not one ourselves: the strong Black woman. It's the woman who takes care of all of the kids in the neighborhood and at church. She is the woman we go to first when we need advice. She somehow gets all of this done without complaining or showing any emotions about the regular ups and downs of life that she faces. Suppose this scenario is a take on the idea of a superwoman with the additional responsibilities of a mother. In that case, the strong Black mother is the next level of the strong Black woman schema.

It's a trope based on a race and gender construct that places culturally defined expectations—including taking on various family roles, a sense of stubborn strength, and caretaking for others at the expense of self—on Black women. Christine St. Vil, 40, from White Plains, Maryland, a mom of three, believes that the role is automatic for Black moms. "It's ingrained in us and something that has been passed on for generations and generations," says the mom of three. "While we all may deal with situations differently, to be a Black mom is to be strong in and of itself."

Dr. Jessica Brown, a licensed clinical psychologist from Richmond, Virginia, agrees that the role is inherited. Brown says she saw her mother do all the things and do them well. "Only in my adulthood do I feel like I have access to knowing when she is struggling or the things that were more difficult for her," says Brown, a mom of two. "Both my parents had mothers who were very strong-willed, focused, driven, and dedicated mothers, so the image of a powerful matriarch is one that runs throughout my family."

In many ways, portraying a strong Black woman was necessary to survive the intersection of racism and sexism where Black women exist. "We have been forced to work long and hard for very little," says Wells. "Strength is in the bloodline." Unfortunately, it has put unnecessary strain on our emotional and mental well-being. Still, there are ways to pay homage to the legacy of Black mothers before us while paving our own parenting paths—ones that allow us to be vulnerable and authentic to ourselves.

Decide What To Take and What To Keep From the Women Before Us

St. Vil never saw her mother cry. When she became a parent, her initial instinct was to do the same and shield her kids from her emotions, but she decided on a different route. "Allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of my kids is helping me to build trust in our relationship," she says.

Realize your dreams and be your own version of a mother without the expense of guilt and shame we mothers overwhelmingly feel. You can honor the sacrifices of the Black mothers of generations past without sacrificing yourself for your family. As mothers, we constantly wonder whether we are doing enough and how our shortcomings will impact our children.

"For me, the real tragedy is that trying to live up to all this stuff often leaves us feeling exhausted and with nothing left to give to ourselves," says Dr. Brown.

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Acknowledge and Apologize for Your Mistakes

Accept that you will not get everything perfect, and teach your children about understanding, grace, and forgiveness. At times, all tasks on the to-do list will not be complete. Acceptance of this will give you peace with asking for help, managing the disappointment of not doing it all, and not constantly hitting the mark.

"I have to model authenticity and freedom if [my daughter] is going to get there," says Dr. Brown. "I'm flawed. I mess up. I can't manage everything. They'll find that out one day anyway. But I want them to be clear on the things that I prioritized and the fact that I wanted to create a life where we can all be happy and get what we need."

Permit Yourself To Rest and Ask for Help

Wells says the strength of Black women that has often carried Black families comes with a self-destructive aversion to resting.

"I feel uncomfortable when I'm not being productive. I often have conversations in my head where I ask myself if I am worthy of rest. I now know that I am not only worthy of rest but that I need it more than being active," she says. "If I don't feel good on the inside, I am no good to my children or anyone else around me."

By delegating to family members and introducing the children to the work it takes to run a family, you allow yourself time to rest while also teaching them invaluable life skills.

"Being a strong Black mom in this day also sometimes means saying 'no' even to your own kids because you're tired or just can't commit to something for them," says St. Vil. "But it also means that despite the nos or the obstacles, they always know you're doing your best."

Dr. Brown hopes to see the idea of what a strong Black woman looks like re-envisioned to permit rest.

"I think it's a disservice to Black women to act like we are machines," she says. "Strength is knowing when you need a break. Strength is asking for help. Strength is demanding that the grown folks you are in relationship with pull their weight. Strength is prioritizing quality time with your family and leaving the dishes for later. Strength is how we define it."