The School Supply List from Hell

We know getting your child ready for the first day of classes can be a nightmare -- just be glad their supply list doesn't look like this!

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Dear Parents,

Welcome back to school! Below is your child's supply list for the year. Sorry we just got this to you today, but we'll need everything in by tomorrow. Can you please put it all inside two brown paper bags (ideally the kind with handles)? We look forward to meeting your child tomorrow!

Ms. Sarah and Miss Sara

    K-101 Shopping List

    • 5 rolls of paper towels (100% recycled)
    • 3 boxes of antiviral facial tissues (pink preferred)
    • 4 6-oz. bottles of hand sanitizer (no brands tested on animals, please)
    • Surgical face mask, kids' size medium, powder blue
    • Art smock or size medium adult shirt
    • Pair of rubber gloves, kids' size medium
    • Plastic sheet (shower curtain okay) measuring 8'x 6'
    • 3 yards of 1 1/4" nylon rope
    • Commercial ice pick
    • 13 gallon-size zip-top freezer bags
    • Hairnet
    • 1 box of Space Food Sticks, chocolate flavor (available on eBay)
    • 36 #2 pencils, pre-sharpened
    • Découpaged pencil case
    • Box of 48 crayons (please remove the green ones and peel off paper wrappers)
    • Abacus (note: solar-powered calculator is an acceptable backup)
    • Sextant
    • Cubit rod
    • 3 plastic folders (1 magenta, 1 burnt orange, and 1 fuchsia)
    • 2 1"-wide 3-ring binders
    • 3 2"-wide 4-ring binders
    • 1 10.34-cm.-wide 2-ring binder
    • 15 dried sycamore pods
    • 24 soda-bottle caps (hard-cider caps fine, but not beer caps)
    • Homeopathic burn cream
    • Safety goggles
    • 252 3" x 5" index cards
    • Laminated copy of your child's birth certificate
    • Your family tree, ideally going back two or three generations
    • 6 black-and-white head shots of your child
    • A typed haiku about what makes your child special
    • A mixed CD of your family's 12 favorite songs containing the word "sunshine"

      P.S. Don't forget to put your child's first and last name on every item!

      Preparing for the First Day of School

        Originally published in the September 2015 issue of Parents magazine.