7 Reasons Santa is Totally Real, Duh

There's a ton of evidence that proves Santa is a real, live person who delivers presents to homes every year on Christmas. Anyone who says otherwise is just a Grinch.

Santa Claus Posing
Photo: Kues/Shutterstock

So there I was, looking at the Santa tracker, checking to make sure the man in red was still on schedule for the 24th, when I came across a piece online that said some pretty horrible things about Santa Claus. I'm not going to repeat them. But he could probably sue for assassination of character, it was that harsh (let's just say they played the "fake news" card hard on the guy). Santa's obviously too busy getting ready for his big trip to address these awful rumors himself and I don't think there's a PR elf department (but maybe Mrs. Claus should get on creating one), so I'm here to stand up to these Santa bullies on his behalf.

I can't believe I even have to spell this out for some of you people but hello, of course Santa is real. Grab some cocoa and have a seat while I show you the proof.

1. Those cookies don't eat themselves.

Santa ate every single one of the gingersnaps and drank all of the almond milk I left for him last Christmas. I remember this distinctly, because my dog spent all Christmas morning with a smug look on his face and I used the empty cookie plate and napkins Santa had left on the floor by the fireplace to help clean up.

2. Santa's handwriting is totally distinct.

The writing on the gifts I get from good old S.C. look nothing like the ones I get from my friends and family. First of all, Santa's the only one who writes in cursive. I do remember my mom saying something about how the elves called her and Santa may have to change the way he labels his gifts this year right around the time my Grandma told us she has arthritis, but I'm sure the elves can help him out. He hasn't let me down in 33 years, I'm sure he won't start now.

3. Santa's wrapping paper is special.

You know Santa is the real deal because each year he wraps his presents in a different wrapping paper than everyone else! In fact, he keeps a stash of it in a secret place in each house all over the world. You know, in case of last minute gift wrapping emergencies on Christmas Eve night? I found my family's in the cabinet above the washer and dryer.

4. I can still hear sleigh bells jingle.

Ears don't lie, and neither did The Polar Express.

5. The elves on the shelf really do report back to Santa.

The other day I was walking through Target after yoga class. I was starving (all that warrior 3 pose) so I was snacking on a banana. I walked past a display of Elves waiting to be picked up by new families and I heard a voice say "Aren't you naughty?" It could have come from the creepy looking dude standing nearby, but this is 2017 and men should know better than to harass a woman in public. No, I'm sure it came from the elves in their boxes, who were cluing me in to the fact that that Santa knew I'd hit snooze four times that morning. I mean, "He sees you when you're sleeping," right?

6. All gifts from Santa have a clever Elf tracking device.

That's no barcode from a store my friend. That's state-of-the-art elf technology which helps make sure all of the gifts get delivered in a single night. In other words: Magic.

7. Santa always gets me what I want from my Christmas list.

Every year I give my husband my letter to Santa and he puts it in the mailbox. Then he uses this new backup system called Prime (Presents Recently Inspected by Merry Elves) to send an extra copy to the North Pole and this way Santa always brings me exactly what I ask for.

So there you have it. Undeniable proof that Santa Claus is alive and well. He's too busy going over his list for the second time to respond to his haters, but he's out there. And if you keep talking about him behind his back he'll bring you nothing but coal.

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