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16 Thoughts Every Mom of a Sick Kid Has Had

“How much mucus can one tiny human make?”


Projectile puke. Cartoon marathons. An endless trail of snotty tissues. Staying home with a sick kid is no fun, but it can be darkly funny. This is what runs through moms’ heads as we wipe noses, duck to dodge projectile vomit, and go through anti-bac wipes like water.

1. “Nothing wakes you up faster than the sound of a kid retching…in your bed.”

2. “I need to Google the symptoms immediately.” *Twenty minutes later.* “OK. Never Google symptoms. We all have the plague.”

3. “Cover your mouth when you sneeze.”

4. “This is like the movie Contagion. Wait, no, make that The Exorcist. What was in that spew?”

5. “Why do stomach bugs always erupt at 2 a.m.?”

6. “Oh my god, was that a snot rocket?”

7. “How much mucus can one tiny human make?”

8. *Reaches under the bed for slippers.* “Oh. That’s where all those gooey, used tissues went.”

9. “Seriously, didn’t I teach them to cover their mouths when they sneeze?”

10. “Do not get your sister sick. Or your brother. Or me.” *Later that day.* “I’m suddenly not feeling so well…”

11. “Where do I call to get chicken noodle soup delivered?”

12. “How much Sesame Street can one mom take?”

13. “How did we all get sick?” *Spots toddler son using dish towel as a tissue.* “Oh.”


15. “Please don’t be a fever. Please don’t be a fever. Please don’t be a fever.”

16. “Here’s a math problem:

- 50 percent: on the car seat

- 40 percent: on the car floor

- 9 percent: on the back of the driver’s seat

- 1 percent: in the plastic bag I gave him to use if he felt pukey.”

17. *Sees other kid’s school is calling.* “Please. Anyone but the nurse.”