"It's 6:30 p.m. and I've returned from a busy day. Shockingly, the house is quiet, sparkling clean, and the dishes and laundry are done."

By Samantha Gutstadt and Haely White
September 25, 2019
Illustration by Sarina Finkelstein; Getty Images (1); Adobe Stock (1)

It’s another night in Parentville and nothing sounds more appealing after a long day than a big, warm, sexy…bed. With the fluffiest pillows. And a solid 8-hour REM state with absolutely zero interruptions. Who knew the hottest fantasies could be so simple, and dare we say…mundane? We’ve rounded up fantasies from real sleep-deprived parents to remind you that you’re not alone. Sleeping in till 8 a.m. has never been such a turn on.

1. A clean house and dinner waiting.

"It's 6:30 p.m. and I've returned from a busy day. Shockingly, the house is quiet, sparkling clean, and the dishes and laundry are done. My husband has put the kids and himself to bed, plated my dinner with a glass of my favorite pinot. At last: I finally have four uninterrupted hours to binge-watch the latest season of Queer Eye." —Haely, Santa Monica, CA (Son, age 3)

2. Blasting adult music on the car radio.

"I'm driving my kids to school in the morning, and instead of listening to Crazy Frog (which will push a human to the edge of insanity LOOK IT UP), I put on my killer mix of John Mayer, Billie Eilish, and Drake. I get through all the songs with zero questions about who would win in a fight between a snake and alligator, requests for cheddar ducks, or violent sword fighting." —Samantha, Brentwood, CA (Children ages 7 and 5) 

3. Coffee in bed with nothing to do.

"I am just waking up and the sun is peeking through my windows. My husband appears holding a freshly brewed double espresso and some sliced mango. He puts on the Lifetime Movie Network and tells me to stay in bed while he gets the kids ready for school. I fluff my pillows up and nestle in, sipping my hot beverage with nothing to do, nowhere to be, and no one who needs me. —Lauren, Toronto, Canada (Children ages 3 and 1) 

4. Kids who take care of themselves.

"Around happy hour when the wine is poured, my kids walk up to me and say 'Hey Dad, we took baths, cleaned up our dishes, and are going to bed early. We also made lunch for tomorrow so get some sleep.'" Zach, Hollywood, CA (Children ages 13 and 9)

5. Staying awake through an entire movie.

"My wife and I sit down on the couch after putting the kids to bed. We pop on a movie. And we make it through the opening credits without falling asleep." —Bruce, Tarzana, CA (Children ages 7 and 3) 

6. A surprise child-care visit from grandma.

"It's 7 a.m. on Saturday morning. My headache rivals college hangovers and all I want is my mom to bring me greasy food. Just then, my door creaks open and I brace myself for a toddler body slam when suddenly, Grandma (*who lives in another state) pops her head in: 'Surprise! I'll take over today. All day!' She demands I go back to sleep for as long as I want, and passes me the best chilaquiles I've ever tasted." —Renee, Littleton, CO (Daughter, age 2) 

7. Kids who bring me snacks.

"My kids request to be my servants for the day. All day. Whatever I want. They bring me the TV remote. Massage my feet and get me drinks when needed." —Brad, Denver, CO (Children ages 6 and 3) 

8. Being forced to go to bed.

"There's a disruption in the spacetime continuum, and at 7 p.m., my 3-year old sternly tells me that it's time to go to bed, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. I'll be in trouble if I keep getting out of bed. There will be consequences if I don't immediately go to sleep. I am expected to sleep for 11 hours. And if I feel like it, I'll go nuts and sleep for another two hours in the middle of the next day. And my 3-year-old will be happy about it because he can relax without me demanding a snack every ten F**KING MINUTES." —Bruce, Tarzana, CA (Children ages 7 and 3) 

Compiled by Don’t Call Me Mommy, a content creation and digital influencer team comprised of Samantha Gutstadt and Haely White. Together, they’ve created the first scripted series on FabFitFun (Sorta Awesome Mom Hacks), and the hit series, Sh*t No One Told You (Mom.me), in addition to comedic content for brands and social media content. Combining their backgrounds in advertising, production, comedy, and social, Don’t Call Me Mommy is a one-stop shop for content creation. Watch their comedy at www.dcmm.tv.

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