The 10 Phases of Taking a Shower With a Newborn in the House

One funny mom breaks down the #struggle of trying to sneak in a shower when you think your baby is napping.

10 Phases Taking Shower Woman Grinning Hands Up LarsZ/Shutterstock

Minute One

Your newborn dozes off in the bouncer and you decide this is the perfect time to take a shower. You go to the bathroom and undress.

Minute Two

You get nervous your baby will somehow figure out how to detach the strap holding her in the bouncer, giving her free rein of your house. The fact that she can’t move is not important. You run back out of the bathroom (fully naked, I should mention) and successfully transfer the baby to her crib.

Minute Three

You get in the shower. You allow yourself to appreciate the warm, cleansing water.

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Minute Four

The baby starts crying. Wait. Is that crying? You aren’t sure. You stick your head out of the shower and listen intently. You might be imagining it. You shampoo as quickly as possible just in case. You wash your body at lightning speed. The baby’s cries get louder. Yes, that is definitely crying now. What about conditioner? Do you have time for conditioner?? You must get out as soon as possible. Wait! Have you shampooed yet? YOU CAN’T REMEMBER!!!

Minute Five

The baby’s cries escalate to unbearable levels. OH MY GOD, THE BABY MUST THINK SHE HAS BEEN TOTALLY ABANDONED AND THIS TEN-MINUTE SHOWER IS GOING TO RUIN HER FOR LIFE!!!

Minute Six

You turn the water off. There is complete silence. Did the baby stop crying or was she never crying to begin with? No matter. Time to condition. You turn the water back on.

Minute Seven

Why is the baby being so quiet??? Something must be wrong. You stick your head out of the shower and shout in the baby’s direction. “BABY!!!!!! ARE YOU OKAY?????” The baby doesn’t answer you. OH MY GOD, SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED TO MY BABY!!!!

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Minute Eight

The baby starts crying again. OH THANK GOD.

Minute Nine

You emerge from the shower, naked and wet. You run to the baby, nearly slipping on the bathroom floor. You scoop her up in your arms. “OH, SWEETIE! I’M SO SORRY!!!!!! I’LL NEVER SHOWER AGAIN!!!!!”

Minute Ten

Shit. Is that still conditioner in my hair?

Ilana Wiles Book Cover Harry N. Abrams

Excerpted from The Mommy Shorts Guide to Remarkably Average Parenting by Ilana Wiles.