"Put your boobs away, ladies," Kuzmic says jokingly of public breastfeeding. "Unless they're dairy-free. Then show them off."
Ever gotten the stink eye when breastfeeding in public? How about the eye roll, the gawking, or the dreaded lip curl? Yeah, you're not alone. But I have two words that will make you feel better about your baby's al fresco feeding seshes: Kristina Kuzmic.
The California mom of three, who jokes that sarcasm is her second language, recently took on critics of public nursing. In a video commentary that's equal parts LOL and oh-my-gosh-she-nailed-it, Kuzmic skewered the haters with good old-fashioned satire by offering up four reasons why women should never, ever breastfeed in public.
For starters, it's "offensive and inappropriate," she says. "By breastfeeding in public, we're spreading the lie that breasts [have] a purpose other than to turn someone on," she says. "And that kind of lie could totally screw kids up!"
Her second reason? Your boobs could be exposed for a second—maybe two!—if your kiddo accidentally yanks off your cover. "I don't see what's so uncomfortable about eating with a cover on your head," she reasons. "That's not sweaty or hot or dark or claustrophobic at all." Cut to a shot of Kuzmic hilariously wearing a blanket over her head at a restaurant.
Kuzmic also argues that there are really less-honest reasons women feed out in the open: "They're just trying to seduce your husbands, with their milk-filled, leaking, engorged breasts," she says, practically spitting out the words. But more importantly—fourth reason—moms aren't supposed to leave the house anyway. That's what Amazon Prime was made for, amiright? But should we need to face the general public, she says, we should at least try to feed our babies in one of the many designated areas. Like behind a garbage can, next to some bushes or, of course, hovering over a public toilet seat.
Kuzmic closes with a one-liner that basically sums up the sentiment many nursing moms feel subjected to on the regular: "Put your boobs away, ladies. Unless they're dairy-free. Then show them off."
Not surprisingly, the video has since gone viral—and received lots of comments from both sides of the argument. But this one, perhaps, is my favorite: "Perspective," one woman wrote. "She has it."
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Bonnie Gibbs Vengrow is a New York City-based writer and editor who traded in her Blackberry and Metro card for playdates and PB&J sandwiches—and the once-in-a-lifetime chance to watch her feisty, funny son grow up. Follow her on Twitter, Pinterest, and Google+.