I'll admit it: I was a little crazy the first time my husband and I took a solo vacation after having kids. It was 13 years ago, so the details are kind of hazy. But I remember crying when I left my six-month-old daughter, calling home three times before we even boarded the plane, and leaving my mom with a typed-up list of instructions that I'm pretty sure she balled up and tossed in the trash the minute I was out the door.
Maybe it was a little overkill... and I'm not even Type A! But leaving your kids in someone's care for the first time is hard. Case in point: this dude named Bryan Elliott, who is currently blowing up the internet thanks to his wife's recent discovery of the seriously exhaustive email he had sent to his kid's first babysitter.
"Hey, this is a quick primer on dealing with an infant," his message starts off, all deceptively casual. "Hope it's useful for you." He then launches into an extensive list of instructions that covers everything from "Soothing" to "Interaction," and about a million other things in between—all so he and his wife go could take off for a single date night!
For example, Elliott didn't just subtly advise the sitter about what to do if the baby was crying—he drew up an actual outline:
Ok... I don't know about you, but I am totally on board with this kind of crazy. Though I definitely think Elliott missed an opportunity here to fabricate some kind of kicka*s multi-hued flow chart—surprising, considering he's a software engineer.
He did, however, provide a pretty awesome diaper-changing play by play. "Lift his butt up by his feet using one hand," he wrote. "Pull off the diaper and start breathing through your mouth."
Ridiculously hilarious! I mean, this guy's got zero chill. Though to be fair, it's been three years since Elliott wrote this thing, and as he explained in the comments on Reddit, his instructions to sitters now are more along the lines of "Food's in the fridge, call me if he's bleeding."
Well that deescalated quickly!
The best part of the story, however, has got to be the fact that, in the end, the couple only ended up being gone for two hours. Which just begs the question: Did the poor sitter even have enough time to read this whole thing?