If I had to write a job posting that summed up my newborn-caring duties, it would look something like this: Helpless boss with wild mood swings, huge appetite, and lots of gas seeks 24/7 caregiver to feed, bathe, clothe, play, and ferry to and from doctor's appointments. Must be willing to work for no salary, vacation, or sick time.
Well, when you put it that way...
Raquel D'Apice, a mom of one and stand-up comic, is the brains behind the humor blog The Ugly Volvo. She riffed on the job posting idea by coming up with hilarious fake Yelp reviews written by parents caring for their newborns (something she cleverly titled "The Newborn Experience"). "We obsessively check online reviews to see if a movie is worth seeing or a restaurant is worth visiting. If anyone was considering having a newborn baby and wanted to read the Yelp reviews first, here they are," she wrote.
D'Apice left no new parent stone unturned—the reviewers ranted about long nights, leaking breasts, incessant crying, and the havoc a baby wreaks on your relationship. But they also gushed about the good stuff: the love, the bonding, the snuggling, the rocking. Here are excerpts of some of my favorites — see if any ring true for you, too:
"Cries constantly and only sleeps for two hours at a stretch??? Was trying to figure out if possibly mine was defective but feedback I'm now hearing is that a lot of them are like this." - posted by NotLovingIt, Clear Lake, MN
"A lot of the stuff I was told would come naturally (breastfeeding? General maternal instinct?) did not come naturally." - posted by InsaneASighLum, Denver, CO
"HOW COULD ANYONE GIVE THIS EXPERIENCE ONE STAR? Are we living on the same planet? You get to create LIFE from nothing. Life literally grows inside your body like an amazing magic trick..." - posted by HappyByondWords, Winthrop, MA
"To anyone curious about trying this out who is asking, 'Will this experience be horrible beyond belief or too wonderful to put into words,' the best answer that I can give you is, 'Yes.'" - posted by UglyVolvBlog, Jersey City, NJ
And don't forget to visit The Ugly Volvo to see read more reviews!
OK, it's your turn: How would you rate your Newborn Experience? (Be honest!)
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Bonnie Gibbs Vengrow is a New York City-based writer and editor who traded in her Blackberry and Metro card for playdates and PB&J sandwiches—and the once-in-a-lifetime chance to watch her feisty, funny son grow up. Follow her on Twitter, Pinterest, and Google+.
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Photo of mom with newborn via Shutterstock