Whether it's a promise to yourself to start going to the gym on a regular basis or to stop drinking quite so much coffee, the start of a brand new year is a time when many of us try to take stock of our lives, identify areas that need improving, and vow to make positive changes. But what if your toddler made his own set of resolutions? Chances are his list would look a lot different from yours!
1. "This year, I will finally flush Mommy's phone down the toilet."
She's been trying to send your phone to a watery grave for months, but you've managed to catch her in the act. Unfortunately, it's only a matter of time before she figures out how to lock the door behind her—better make sure that warranty is up to date before it's too late!
2. "This year, I'm definitely going to climb up to the top of the BIG KIDS' jungle gym."
What fascinating finds await him at the top of the cool climbing structure on the big kids' side of the playground? He can't wait to find out.
3. "This year, I'm going to finish my crayon mural on the living room wall."
So far you've managed to thwart your mini Jackson Pollack's large scale artistic aspirations, but at some point you're going to have to turn your back for more than thirty seconds (which, as we all now, is more than enough time to put every color in the crayon box to "good" use).
4. "This year, I'm giving up naps for good."
If only all of us were as dedicated to breaking bad habits as toddlers are to powering through the day without a break. She's not sure what she's missing when her eyes are closed, but it's got to be something pretty spectacular, right? (It's not. It's just Mommy desperately trying to take a shower.)
5. "This year, I'm going on a cleanse: chicken nuggets and animal crackers only."
Some of us ring in the New Year by cutting refined flour and sugar out of our diets. Your toddler, on the other hand, plans to start fresh by giving up veggies, grains, fruit, dairy...and anything else that isn't chicken nuggets and/or animal crackers.
6. "This year, I will make seasonally inappropriate clothing the new fashion trend."
Jackets and mittens are so 2016. If your little one gets her way, trendsetting toddlers everywhere will ditch their snowsuits for swimsuits (and maybe a sparkly tutu). Don't worry, those winter boots will still get worn...in the middle of the summer, when everybody else is wearing sandals.
7. "This year, I'm going to start drinking more water...more bathwater, that is."
A big slurp of hot, soapy water is the least refreshing beverage we can think of, but your toddler's obsession with this borderline horrifying method of hydration shows no signs of fading. To be fair, the kid's probably awfully thirsty from all those chicken nuggets.
8. "This year, I vow to spend every single night in Mommy and Daddy's bed."
Right now she only gets to sleep in your bed when she's sick or has a bad dream (or he climbs in and you're too tired to even notice). But by slowly taking advantage of your exhausted state, this will be the year she claims a permanent spot – right in the middle of the bed (lying horizontally, of course). It's not like you need privacy or anything.
9. "This year, I will eat all my meals directly off the floor."
In a way, he's kind of doing you a favor with this one: fewer dishes to wash, and less sweeping! In fact, the irresistible allure of floor food might even convince him to cheat on his nuggets/crackers cleanse.
10. "This year I'll help to stimulate the economy by making as many in-app purchases as possible."
Silly grown-ups, there's no such thing as a "free" app! Especially not when your little one is supposed to be amusing himself for five whole minutes so you can load the dishwasher or clean the crayon off the wall. What a fun surprise you'll get when you see the bill!