On Dads

Moms On Dads

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-Hi, I'm Dr. Georgia Witkin. -And I'm Kimberly Pauley. -And I'm Kimberly's mother. -And I'm the mother of two boys. -Which makes me GG for Grandma Georgia. -So, welcome to GG and me. -We talked about everything. -Well, the reason I talked my mother about everything is that she's a professor of Psychiatry, professor of OB/GYN, she's written 10 books on Stress and she's a Fox News contributor. -And Kimberly is a lawyer, a columnist, a college professor and pregnant. -So we're gonna be talking about pregnancy. Please join us. -Okay. Now, let's talk about the guys who are not in the room but they're here in spirit, the fathers. First, let's introduce ourselves. -Hi, my name is Kimberly Pauley and I have two sons and I'm pregnant with my third son. -Hi, my name is Jenny Vynerib and I have Oliver here, who is 3-weeks old and two older daughters. -I'm Susan Krauss, I have a three and a half year old son and a two-week old son. -Okay, so let's talk about dads. Have that dad when you were pregnant-- with your first child, let's-- then we'll talk a bit-- first time, you know, we say we are pregnant, that's the new term, where they pregnant too? -My husband was not pregnant. -Not pregnant. My husband was in shocked at the first. -Denial. -It was like four or five months. -Yeah, mine too. Complete shocked. -I mean, did they realize there was a baby in there or are they really thinking like life is gonna go on the same way but they'll be something else. -The latter for me at the beginning, at least. -Yeah. I think it's very hard for them to connect when you're pregnant. They're not feeling the things that you're feeling. They're not going to the things that you're-- they can be excited. They don't have the same connection that you do. -Okay, then you holding the baby, you fall in love, the baby is connected to your body, how long does it take them? -I think like two years. -When they're walking and talking and-- -Can go to a baseball game. -Can throw a ball back, can play with them, can say I love you. -Yeah. -I think women you go, you know, sitting, you're looking at your baby's eyes in the hospital and then you fall in love. And I think that for men, I don't know about your experience, but for men, my experience was until they're really little people and toddlers, they-- they're just kind of a blob, they're a physical-- -Absolutely. -You know. Some of the needs like tending to, diapers changed. -And sort of, like there's some of a little shocked and all, the whole thing. Like,-- -Yes. --you know, trying to be attentive but kind of, like, Oh my gosh. Yeah. -Overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all. That now, all of a sudden they have another person to take care of and-- -I'm thinking about it almost in terms of, I know this with my husband like financial, like, okay, now I have a child to take care-- -That's what I meant. --and for school and for all of this, like the anxiety level for providing for his family became much more intense. -Right. -And I think he felt like a little grown up at that point and so that process that. -Right. Which I don't mind. -That was good, which is good. Yeah. -I'm glad that he felt the sense of responsibility and the same-- -Definitely. But then on the same connection, like, with the actual child and their needs and everything. -But when I have with my first, I remember falling in love just as you describe but it was so physical and so chemical. It was almost like being in junior high and having your first infatuation-- -Yeah. --where, you know, I look at pictures of it now and he looked like a normal baby. He was a little bruised and, you know, we had these issues, I've saw none of that at all. -Yeah. -You see is perfect. -He's perfect. -So am I. -Yeah. I don't think that they have-- they don't have their hormonal reaction clearly. -Right. -Their hormones don't change to that extent. -There's an interesting study, a new study and actually it's been replicated saying that when a new father holds the baby he does get hormonal changes. Prolactin is up which is the breastfeeding hormone and they apparently have it too, not that they're breast feeding. Testosterone goes down and they say it might even promote nurturing. You see, you didn't see any of that, certainly not for a few years. -No. -I'm not saying that they weren't nurturing, that they weren't help-- that he wasn't helpful. He was wonderful from day one-- -But-- --but the connection, the same-- the level of connection and we all have older kids, so now we see the difference. -Right, you see a change. -Yeah. Once the kids can actually react to them and responds to them and they have their own relationship, you see the difference between that and the way they were when you first bring the child home, when the child is a baby. -I think what you're saying is really important for first time mothers, 'cause you're saying like, the Hollywood fantasy is that you got him right there and he's looking at the baby, he's holding the baby and he's a deeper voice in the nursery but he's doing what you're doing, and you're saying he's doing something different. He's there for teaching the kids independence, you were there for bonding -- that it's a different thing? -Yes. -I think it's really important and I don't want to put-- what the father's do job, is I think it is so important but as I said, you see how it changes as they get older and it develops. -Right, for the first time parent, they should be aware that-- -Right. --it will-- the bond that the father will show and have with the child will improve as the child gets to be one, two. -Or three. -It changes. -Yes. -So, there's hope. -There's exception of course, there are-- but your saying, in general. -In general, it seems. -Don't expect him to be you. -Not like a mother. -It's different, it's different. -Right.