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Discipline for Softies
We've all been told that 21-century parents tend to overpraise their children and we've heard experts say that setting firm limits creates cooperative kids. But Alan E. Kazdin, PhD, president of the American Psychological Association, thinks that the tough-love approach that's so popular today is all wrong. He may sound like a renegade, but according to this well-respected researcher, if you really want your child to be better-behaved, you actually need to praise him even more enthusiastically -- and you can't rely on punishment to fix a discipline problem. Dr. Kazdin, director of the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic, says he knows what works: helping your child practice doing the right thing and then showering him with compliments every time he does it. "We have used this technique to help thousands of parents improve their kids' behavior, which ranges from normal challenges such as tantrums to extreme aggression," says Dr. Kazdin. Here, we talked to him about his warmer, fuzzier approach, which he details in his book, The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child. It might just be the key to a calmer home and a closer-knit family.
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Here's the thing by focusing on bad behavior rather than reinforcing good behavior we send a child an unspoken message " everything you do is not good enough" this can lead a child to thinking they are only worthwhile when they do the right thing. I think that both overpraising and being overly critical have potential negative effects but in the long run being overly critical is far more detrimental.
3/31/2011 06:29:22 PM Report AbuseThis is how we were told to train our dogs, praise good behavior. Although some praise is great (we all need that), too much is too much. My 3yr old son has never been in time-out and has never really been punished, talking seriously with him and explaining works great. Praising him for drawing on a paper instead of on the wall???? You're kiddin', right???
3/30/2011 09:54:14 PM Report AbuseI have four kids, and my 9 year old one was so difficult to discipline. Every time he does good stuff I encourage him to keep doing good in school and I gave him regards when he acts good. Violence improve more violence in children, the way you treat your kids is the way they are going to treat other kids because they always watching what we doing. TIME OUT DON'T WORK!!!!
3/29/2011 05:09:03 PM Report AbuseIf the author is addressing someone who ONLY yells and screams at their child, then I agree... it is definitely MORE important to praise a child when they do good, and make sure you're spending quality time with them and being an active parent - over all, these are things that will make the difference as to whether your child might act up to begin with, however - they do have to learn that actions have consequences.
3/29/2011 01:08:27 PM Report AbuseTime outs! I don't believe in those. I and all of my friends, siblings and so on were raised without them, I didn't even know they exist until I moved from Europe to USA. I babysat a lot of kids different ages and I can say that at least of 80% of them did not even mind to have a time out.
3/29/2011 12:05:52 PM Report AbuseYes children need praise but it can be over-done and artificial. Eventually the child will think that everything they do requires praise. This is not the real world! When I do well at work I get to keeep my job, I don't have my boss telling me every day how wonderful I'm doing! I also believe that children need firm boundaries. www.myrealbirthstory.com
3/29/2011 11:03:46 AM Report AbuseAn ever increasing battle but I'm learning what works for my 4yr old. She loves everything princess. I use that card to get her to mind. I always make a big deal when she is showing kindness to others. When she acts out and says mean things, I take away a princess item of hers and explain that a true princess does not behave that way and that she can only earn it back when she behaves like one.
1/25/2011 03:27:48 PM Report Abusewell i dont believe in punishment i dont like that word,i think the best way is to sit down with them and explain her what is wrong and what is right,comunication is the best way to show them how to behave.
5/13/2010 09:42:40 AM Report Abusei have trouble gettin my child to want to go to school shes 5 and my 7 yr old thinks its not far when the other stays home..so my question is how do i get her to want to go without a fight? my 7yr old has back talk and dont want to listin my kids never pick up behind there self.how do i change that? i dont believe in spanking cause of my childhood so my problem i always give in i need help thanks
3/28/2010 05:51:09 PM Report AbuseEvery time I firmly tell my teenager to do something she says " stop yelling at me!" and I am not yelling at her. How do I handle this constant manipulaion? Everything turns into an argument. She is so angry.
3/23/2010 04:07:13 PM Report AbuseLove and positive words work miracles on children. Praise is important for a child to develope self worth. If more parents followed this approach children would be happier, more successful adults.
1/19/2010 03:16:40 PM Report AbuseI'm not sure whose quote this is but... "When a child does not know how to read...We teach When a child does not knnow how to ride a bike... We teach When a child does not know how to behave... ...We teach ...we punish Why is it so hard to answer the last question?"
1/19/2010 03:16:27 PM Report AbuseBalancing praise and discipline is the best method. Any method that emphasizes one over the other is lopsided. I agree with robertachina, we need to prepare our children for the real world and that includes punishment for misbehavior!
1/14/2010 01:32:18 PM Report AbuseSorry but this sounds like a crock, because true teaching children proper behavior is best done with praise but a child that doesn't know that actions can have good AND bad consequences will be living in a bubble. This definitely sends a message that parents are there to cater to children instead of being effective leaders.
1/14/2010 04:42:34 AM Report AbuseAnd it also doesn't prepare the child for the REAL world- who's going to approach a college graduate at work with a 'high praise' learning method...NO ONE! This is going to create an entire generation of spineless adults or of defiant rule breakers.
1/14/2010 04:42:29 AM Report AbuseI thinking prasing your child more for good acts then opposing descipling your child for every little thing is a good method. As a child growing up my Father always use words of incouragment and praised us for the good we did. And when he told us we did wrong we knew it he didnt even have to yell at us ever. I know this method works first hand.
11/15/2009 06:57:52 PM Report Abuse