Expert Advice on Behavior Challenges

Q: My 7-year-old is very bright and does pretty well at school. I'm writing a long list of problems but we don't want him to get into trouble. He's really an intelligent boy. He's developed a habit of talking back and talking at inappropriate times, which irritates everybody, including his soccer instructor. We've also noticed that whenever we're present, at his soccer class, for example, he's constantly looking at us (as if waiting for our approval), rather than paying attention. He doesn't listen or pay attention to anybody and a lot of times does the opposite of what he's told. We've tried to be firm but he seems to be provoking us to shout at him. We would appreciate your advice.

Penelope Leach: Seven (or sometimes six or eight) is an important watershed in children's development. It's the age/stage when they become more aware of people outside of themselves and of the community outside of their family. Seven-year-olds are interested in adults, their behavior, their values, whether they practice what they preach, and so forth. So they ask a lot of questions, maybe call you on contradictions between what you say and what you do, even argue with a soccer coach or dare to set him straight! It can all seem like he's being fresh or giving you attitude. Your son probably doesn't mean it that way, though. He wants to know, wants to understand, wants things to measure up to his new interest in right and wrong, just and unjust. But he's young enough that he finds it really hard to keep quiet or let things go just because that would be the acceptable way to behave.

If your boy is looking to you for approval, you've got a good relationship with him. I think it'll help if you acknowledge to him that he's not just a little boy any more who should just do as any adult tells him, but a person who needs to learn about ideas and values and adult behavior. Get into interesting discussions with him at appropriate times (about the soccer coach, your family rules, whatever issues come up), and at the same time make it clear that part of becoming more grown up is learning when to keep quiet.

He may also be feeling somewhat split between school and school adults and home and his parents. At his age, he might prefer to be with one or the other. If you offered to drop him off at soccer class and pick him up, or arrange for him to ride home with a friend, would he welcome it?

Seven's a great age. Don't miss out on a minute of this growing bundle of intelligence and social sensitivity!