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Why Time-Out Is Out
Family doctor Burt Banks, M.D., was at his wits' end -- locked in a power struggle with his son Trenton, then 4. "There was much shouting," he recalls. "It was difficult to keep my son in time-out. Trenton kept getting up and moving around. I was raising my voice and scolding him."
Dr. Banks, who teaches at the James H. Quillen College of Medicine at East Tennessee State University and has a practice in Bristol, TN, had not set out to be a cranky, loudmouth dad. He felt discouraged, but instead of throwing in the timer, he delved into the research on childhood discipline to see if science could show him a better way.
What he found was an eye-opener. First, Dr. Banks learned that he was doing time-outs all wrong. "The key is to completely ignore your child," he says. "A lot of misbehavior in children is done to get attention. Scolding gives them the attention they are seeking. It was actually the worst thing I could do."
The clinical evidence also showed that time-outs don't work unless parents practice time-ins -- positive, sometimes physical, reinforcements of good behavior. "Periodically, you touch your child's head, or smile, or say a word of praise," he explains. This essential yin to the time-out yang was not something that had been stressed in medical school.
Dr. Banks's review concluded that time-outs are often an effective and appropriate discipline for children up to age 5 or 6 but the technique is being poorly managed by parents like him in the real world of tantrums, tears, and sibling smackdowns. "Other people are doing exactly what I had done," says Dr. Banks.
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My friend gave me a how-not-to learning experience. She gave 4-5 warnings before time-out, told son not to get up until he was quiet 5 min. He kept getting up & runs around yelling. If he was good for 2 min during 1/2 hr trip to store he got to pick out a toy. When my LO became a toddler I gave positive "time-ins" if she was good, behaved well with others, etc. If a tantrum came on I'd sit her on the couch & do housework until tantrum stopped. We have a lot more good behavior than bad.
5/22/2012 12:28:38 PM Report AbuseI tried this approach without reading anything about it and it did not work for me.I would be playing with my 1+ year old and he would hit me in the face out of the blue.I would tell him hitting hurts and is bad then walk away and he would just continue playing. This happened over and over again.I changed my approach to a "time-out" and it worked.I removed him from whatever fun thing he was playing with,looked him in the eyes,told him hitting hurts and is bad, then walked away.This worked.
8/3/2011 01:33:40 PM Report AbuseI'm lucky to be able to stay home with my two children... but only until the oldest is 3 and the youngest 1.5 years and after that I'll need to return to work for financial reasons. If daycares aren't getting it 'right', how do we do the 'right' thing at home? After all, toddlers of full-time working parents typically spend at least 7 of their 12 waking hours in daycare, away from their parents. :-(
9/30/2010 01:49:21 PM Report AbuseI also have found that when siblings are treating each other poorly it helps to have them serve their sibling by doing somehting nice for him or her, like "color a picture for your sister" or "help me make lunch for your brother". Then they get a chance to calm down and they feel proud of what they have made or done for their sibling and their sibling says thank you to them and they get along better.
9/30/2010 12:48:50 PM Report AbuseI distracted my kids when they were toddlers or took them home when they were being difficult, sometimes I would say "You are so upset today I think you must be tired and need a nap" and put them down for a nap, it worked pretty well. Now that they are school aged I take away priveleges like TV and computer, or I put their favorite toys in "time out" in the basement for a few hours or days depending on the circumstances.
9/30/2010 12:48:44 PM Report AbuseI never knew people used chairs for time out...I use time out when my 2 year old is pitching a fit. We go where it is quiet and i make her sit down on the floor. Then I tell her that she can get up when she is done with her fit. When she calms down I ask her if she is ready to get up, and then she gets mommy's attention. I find that it works very well.
4/27/2010 04:54:23 PM Report AbuseThis is great and I do agree with a majority of this. My children rarely use time out and when they do I really use it for them to process their feelings on their own. However, in a daycare I am wondering how do you not set the child in a space that is away from the other children? I have one child that I care for that will try and torment the other kids when he does not get his way. After he has been put in a space that is not near the kids and redirected there does calm down. What then?
4/13/2010 01:39:31 PM Report Abuse