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Why Your Toddler Hits and Bites
Three-year-old Caden Branchflower is occasionally guilty of hitting his younger brother, Ridge. This might seem like bullying -- after all, he's a big boy hitting a smaller child. Luckily for Caden, that's not how his mom, Erin, sees it. "He doesn't know how else to express himself at this age, so I just step in quickly," says Branchflower, of Fort Collins, Colorado. "I explain that we don't like that behavior and it's not okay."
She has the right attitude. While many parents of hitters, biters, and spitters panic when their toddler acts out, they shouldn't feel too bad. Technically, a child this young can't be a bully. "Two- and 3-year-olds don't yet fully understand their emotions or anyone else's, so they don't intentionally hurt someone's feelings," says Edward Carr, PhD, leading professor in the department of psychology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook.
Toddlers are constantly testing cause and effect -- "If I do this, what will happen?" They're also using the only tools they have, says Theodore Dix, PhD, associate professor of human development and family sciences at the University of Texas at Austin. "They don't have the skills to get what they want in a reasonable way, so they may act pushy or overly defiant," he says.
Still, that's not a free pass to sit back and let your child be mean. If you don't intervene now, he may become a real bully as he gets older because he won't know another way to express his needs. Here's how to end aggression now.
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my son doesn't bite thank god!!! but his cousin who is two does and it irates me off, every time we visit my bf aunt his cousins son bites my son. its so annoying my baby will come home with bruises and broken skin and they don't do care but say 'No don't do that' i have to stay on top of my son when we're visiting to make sure he doesn't get bit.they laugh at him when he bites other people so he thinks its ok to do it thats why i stopped visiting them.
3/27/2012 12:11:05 PM Report AbuseMy son is turning two and we have a 2 month old daughter.he has been "acting out" needing more attention. However, he is pinching and pushing at daycare.Mind you he's only been back twice in the last two months.The caregiver said that he needs to be around more children more often than just occasionally.I'll try not to freak out!My son is tall for a nearly 2yo.This article really helped me put things into perspective and come up with a plan to help him cope with the changes.
10/4/2011 05:51:20 PM Report AbuseMy daughter who is 2 1/2 has been biting, pinching, and hitting. I feel like i have tried everything I can to make her stop. I have tried time out. I just don't know what to do.. When you tell her no she just starts talking back... What else is their to do?
10/1/2011 11:13:37 AM Report AbuseWow, this has made me feel not so alone! Our son is 20 months & he's been biting for 6 months, & for 3 months he's been hitting & pinching as well. He even pushes&hits older kids! He'll just reach out & grab your face, scratching it up bad;We try positive attn, T/O, new activity, have even resorted to flicking his hand,but he continues. I'm at a loss.@the park I'm stressed for him to have any encounter with another child, some parents don't understand &look at me like he's a monster!
8/9/2011 11:22:52 AM Report AbuseI really appreciate this article and in fact this website. I am a mother of a recently turned two year old and my mother seems to have completely forgotten what its like to have a child this age. She often times makes me worried that my son is being overly defiant because he acts likes...well a child and to find a site where not only other parents share similar stories but I also have professionals in the field stating that I am handling my child's behavior correctly is really quite reassuring
6/30/2011 01:12:46 AM Report AbuseOur 2 year old only hits me and his dad. if a child in his daycare takes his toy, he will try to get it back, but he has never hit anyone, but they have hit him. Why does he hit us, his parents?
5/10/2011 10:27:25 PM Report AbuseTIGGER71079 Yes. It's kinda normal. You have to watch if your baby does that because she doesn't gets what she wants or she does it because it's fun for her? 1- U can't give everything she wants. You have to clearly say NO and offer something else. 2- Ignore her. Watching her carefully so she doesn't hurts herself.If she continues doing that, ask for an evaluation. You won't waste your time either hers. If your baby needs it, it will be the best for you and your girl.Good luck!
2/17/2011 09:25:15 AM Report AbuseMy daughter is 1 1/2 yrs.old. When she doesn't get her way, she head butts the floor,wall or even us when we hold her. Also she bites us in the leg or even arm, more so head butting though,any advice?
7/8/2010 10:43:21 PM Report AbuseOur 20 month old bites and hits when she isn't getting attention or what she wants. I tell her it's not nice and step away from her. She usually comes right after me and wants picked up (and stops) When a simple "no" or "that's not nice" doesn't work, I'll put her in timeout (one minute per age; I do one minute). The first few times she thought it was a game, but now she gets it. After the minute is up, I remind her why she was in time out and ask her to say "sorry mommy." Then we hug.
5/25/2010 01:43:46 PM Report Abuseit also helps when they are older around 4 and up if you teach them to tell you what they did wrong and what they should have done.
5/18/2010 12:32:59 PM Report AbuseMy 3 year old is autistic so teaching him not to do something is not easy. Yet i have noticed that as long as you talk to them face to face and hold their hands while calming explaining that they hurt someone and your not happy with them most kids will respond well. Kids who are used to spanking and yelling take longer to look at you and cry thinking you will hurt them. I give them a hug and ask calmly can we talk. If they wont talk then they sit down next to me till they will calmly talk to me.
5/18/2010 12:32:03 PM Report Abusemy son is 19 months and hitting and biting seems funny to him, we have tried things for him to chew and games to distract him but so far nothing has worked.i know this might sound to early for some but we introduced the naughty spot and so far this has stopped his biting.
4/28/2010 02:02:27 AM Report AbuseI have a 14mth old who bites. I was told to try orajel. I have yet to try it, so i'm sure in due time I will know if it works. Hope this helps others.
4/19/2010 04:21:10 PM Report AbuseI have an 11mo old that bite's and scratche's. We have tried positive redirecting which doesn't work. He scratches when tense and scratches and bite's when angry. Any suggestion's would be appreciated.
2/19/2010 12:22:54 AM Report AbuseTAVON MY GRANDSON IS ONE YEAR OLD "ONE" AND BITING US UP. WHEN HE GETS UPSET HE STANDS UP HOLDING OUR LEGS AND BITES US. ALSO IF YOU PICK HIM UP HE BITES US ON THE SHOULDER OR CHEST. IT IS A REAL PROBLEM IN OUR HOUSE EARLIER THIS WEEK HE BIT HIS MOTHER ON HER FOREARM AND LEFT TWO WELTS. SHE HAD HIM SITTING ALONE FOR AWHILE BUT EVERYTIME HE GETS UPSET HE BITES AND WE NEED HELP.
11/20/2009 09:55:10 AM Report AbuseMy daughter, who recently turned 4, had started hitting again. This was what she would do when using her words didn't work. She loves to watch Curious George on TV, so we would us that as her reward for not hitting her friends. We only had to take it way 2 times, now the hitting has stopped. : )
10/14/2009 01:49:50 PM Report Abuse