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Split Personality: Why Toddlers Behave with One Parent
After returning home from a relaxing Saturday afternoon of kid-free errands, I greeted my family and asked how the day went. "Fine," offered my husband. When I tried probing further -- what I really wanted to know was how our toddler acted during lunchtime, playtime, and the in-between moments when she tends to alternate between Angel and Devil -- he shrugged and repeated, "She was fine."
You mean no tantrums for Papa? No all-out war when he gave her the pink cup at lunch instead of the green one reserved for milk? "Nope, she drank from what I gave her," he said matter-of-factly. "And she went down for her nap with Kitty." (When I'm at home, she insists on no fewer than five bedfellows.)
While I know that taking care of my daughter gives me dibs on some precious moments, it's tough to understand why she'll argue with me over the simplest things -- but act much more agreeable when someone else is in charge. Turns out a lot of it has to do with her age. Experts say it's typical for toddlers to make the parent who's with them the most their main target for bad behavior. Find out why -- and how to handle it.
Understanding Misbehavior
As an infant, your little one shared his sweetest smiles and happiest coos with you. So why does it suddenly seem like the things he's saving just for Mama are his biggest breakdowns? "The primary caregiver is generally the person with whom a child feels most comfortable expressing his strong feelings," says Karen Dudley, a child-development specialist at UCLA. So don't make the mistake of thinking your kid doesn't like being with you as much as with Dad. Acting up may actually be a sign of how safe he feels with you.
This behavioral transformation is also due to your child's rapidly developing brain. "A toddler's memory is improving, so he will remember what he wants more often," Dudley explains. Plus, very young kids are just beginning to learn about their relationships with other people, and how far they can push things. "The best way to find the limits and boundaries is to test them," says psychotherapist Alyson Schafer, author of Ain't Misbehavin': Tactics for Tantrums, Meltdowns, Bedtime Blues, and Other Perfectly Normal Kid Behaviors. So if you're the parent who's with your child the most, you'll likely end up experiencing your toddler's resistance more frequently (and sometimes, more intensely).
Related Features:
Secrets to Toddler Discipline >>
19 Habits of Highly Effective Parents >>
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Well, at least this helps me not feel as crazy, and that my son prefers my hubby over me! I'm the parent in the military, and though he says, 'if I spend more time with him, he'll listen.' Okay, how??? I love my son undoubtedly, but while it feels that I have to talk to him to get him to listen to me 'til I'm blue in the face, he only tells him once, and he LISTENS!
1/14/2012 08:34:06 AM Report Abuse2. I think the best way is the other example of offering 2 equally acceptable (to you!) choices. For example, when my son is dug in about refusing to go get pjs on, I can say "do you want to walk to your room or do you want mommy to carry you?" This strategy works for single parenting too, by the way, although I know energy and patience may be more stretched.
1/12/2012 02:47:07 PM Report Abuse1. I agree that it might be best to avoid saying "I can't make you" at this age. I have taken my toddlers hand and gently guided him to do something when he refused. However, I think the intention behind it is showing him/her to make good choices (ie you can choose to do what I am asking on your own), fostering autonomy and independence.
1/12/2012 02:46:45 PM Report AbuseThe problem with the advice in this article is that is only aimed for 2 parent couples, it doesn't offer solutions for single parents/military spouses. Being a military spouse is something that not everyone gets to experience. It's tough enough being a parent & amazing spouse but deployments are heart-wrenching & even the most seasoned military spouse would agree.
1/12/2012 09:42:35 AM Report AbuseThis article is totally comforting for me! I have often wondered why my 3 yr old boy is an angel for others..but as soon as I hit the door the poor behavior and demands begin. Despite all the tantrums, I am happy to know that he is comfortable and know he is loved enought to act up for me.
1/11/2012 01:55:04 PM Report AbuseAlso, to the parents getting upset because they are single parents or military spouses. I commend what you and realize things might be different for you (I was a single parent for four years), but why is wrong for the article to give couples a strategy to deal with their children just because it doesn't apply to you? Maybe they could also have included a strategy specifically aimed at single parents, but as a married mother, I also wouldn't have been offended if they did.
1/10/2012 08:33:48 PM Report AbuseI'm not sure why you would tell a toddler you can't make them pick up their toys. Yes, you can make them, and you should. If they think at this young age their parent can't make them do anything and it's always just a choice for them, why would they listen later on in life? They might, if that's what they choose, but what if they don't? Are you going to tell them you can't make them go to school if they don't want to do that either?
1/10/2012 08:32:24 PM Report AbuseI'm very disappointed about this line "have Dad take over bath time so you can get a break." Not everyone has a spouse who can take over, ever heard the term single parent?? Luckily, I am happily married, but 7 months out of the year I AM a single parent with an income {during deployments} to 2 kids 22 months & 10 months, a year and 20 days apart. A line like such is A SLAP IN THE FACE to all single parents & military spouses!
1/10/2012 03:13:22 PM Report Abusethis article couldn't have came at a more perfect time. my 2 yr old has been a terror for me but when daddy is around, she will comply with his orders (not always though) its nice to finally have some kind of explanation for her differences in behavior for each parent. im going to take the suggestions in this article and apply them starting today. some suggestions I have tried, but now that i see a more structured way, I hope some success will result. thanks!
1/10/2012 01:10:31 PM Report AbuseThis story came a t perfect time! My son is 2 1/2 and listens to his dad so much better! This was relly good info that I am going to use starting tonight!
1/10/2012 11:50:10 AM Report AbuseI desperately needed this article! Our 2 year old is apparently an angel whenever I'm not home, says my husband. But a complete terror when I am home. He hits, throws things (both at my infant and I and just at the wind), screams, cries, and I'm pretty sure he tries to annoy me on purpose lol. Thanks for this article, it will definitely be put to good use!
1/10/2012 11:29:31 AM Report AbuseI am happy to know that my child does not have multiple personality disorder! This article describes him perfectly! He is the perfect angel with his babysitter but when I pick him up he turns into a monster. I truly believe he is not able to express his anger until he gets into my care. Great article!
1/10/2012 10:28:16 AM Report AbuseIt is much more likely that the child is responding to different parent responses to their behavior rather than the child's feeling of safety regarding the primary parent. The interaction between parent and child is not mysterious. It has been worked out. You just have to read the relevant literature.
1/10/2012 10:21:03 AM Report AbuseMy husband is the stay-at-home parent while I work (better insurance plans and other work benefits) and our son who is 3 1/2 minds daddy perfectly even saying yes sir or no sir!!!!! When I get home it is an all out war between the two of us and now I know why.
1/10/2012 10:15:59 AM Report AbuseThank you for these kind of stories, it really helps to know that I am not the only one going through these situations and these type of guidance on these kind of behaviour are truly appreciated. Luz
1/10/2012 10:12:26 AM Report AbuseThank you for all your articles! They are very, very helpful! Keep up the good work!
1/10/2012 10:10:58 AM Report AbuseWhat if we don't have a partner!?!?!? You can even try working your kid's more easygoing nature with your partner to your advantage. For example, if your son tends to throw a fit at bathtime, give yourself the night off after dinner and let your husband suds him up while you take a relaxing evening stroll. The truth is, being firm in the face of toddler toughness is hard work -- and you deserve a real reward for your efforts.
1/10/2012 09:58:26 AM Report AbuseYes!!! This is my little guy. My husband is actually the stay at home parent but he is also a very stern disciplinarian. My son always acts up with me and is an absolute angel with anyone else. I like the idea that he feels safer with me and can express himself however, limits need to be set as well.
1/10/2012 09:56:04 AM Report AbuseThis so true! My 2-year-old acts a plum fool with me and hardly with his father! He knows I will take so much more than his dad. These kids are too smart for their own good! :)
1/10/2012 09:45:31 AM Report AbuseIt's odd - I'm the one who is more at home and spends more time with our son but he definitely likes to test boundaries with his father. I don't know if it's because my husband gets more emotional/quick to anger which usually escalates into two boys upset or if it's a boy thing and he wants to test his father's role as the man of the house.
1/10/2012 09:42:33 AM Report Abuse