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Ron Zodkevitch, MD, is a child psychiatrist and author of The Toughlove Prescription (McGraw-Hill). Do you have a parenting question for Dr. Ron? E-mail drron@familycircle.com.

Problem: "I'm really worried that Jason's going to ruin the holidays," says Carol about her 13-year-old. "He was horrible last year. I have a big family that throws lots of parties -- and I fought with him about every single one. I can't go through that again."

Kid's Perspective: "My parents still treat me like a 3-year-old. I don't want to spend my entire break visiting boring relatives."

Dr. Ron's Diagnosis: Carol was intent on having her son happily participate in every seasonal event. But Jason, typical for his age, preferred spending his free time with friends. And like most teens, he was already frustrated about the lack of control over his life. The extra rules, traditions, and visits with relatives only added to his tension. So the more Carol insisted that he attend all the family gatherings, the more they argued. Carol needed to change her approach to break the impasse. I suggested she try these strategies.

• Recognize that her parenting has to adapt as Jason gets older. He can't be expected to participate exactly the way he did when he was younger.

• Compromise about which events are necessary, which he can skip, and which he can attend in part (arriving late or leaving early). Carol should give Jason a heads-up two or three days before each obligation, reminding him that his attendance and good behavior are part of his responsibility as a family member and are absolutely non-negotiable.

• Give him some space so he can show her what he's capable of. Once she has made a request, Carol should relax and let Jason fulfill the expectation without interference. When parents hover, asking questions and repeating demands, kids get resentful and lose their motivation. They need parents to show some respect and trust. If Jason demonstrates a new maturity, he should be rewarded by being able to pick the next family outing.

• Offer Jason a role to play at parties, which would allow him to express his individual tastes and talents. He could be the amusement director for the younger kids, say, or compile a CD of holiday music to play for everyone.

• Avoid needless battles by informing Jason in advance that for every hour he spends at a party he can escape for an hour to decompress. Tell him he can bring an electronic game or a cell phone to use during that time -- but no games, calls, or texting when he's at the party.

• Deal with Jason's sulking by telling him his behavior is upsetting. Advise him that he has a choice -- either stop grumbling or decide which of his valuable belongings he will be donating to charity.

Follow-Up: Three weeks later Carol reported, "When I started backing off, Jason did too, and we began talking things out calmly," she says. "I discovered that being more thoughtful about Jason's needs means everyone's happier. He's really showed me what he's capable of." Jason was also more relaxed. "My parents are allowing me to have my friend David come with us to my uncle's house next week," he says. "We're going to organize the games for my cousins." Both Carol and Jason now feel sure that this holiday season is going to be the best ever.

This story is based on Dr. Ron's case files. Details have been changed to protect the family's privacy.

Originally published in the December 2008 issue of Family Circle magazine.