Making A Decision
Dustin and I sat with our parents to discuss what to do. They all stressed that the decision was up to us and assured us that they would support us no matter what we decided. My mind was made up: I wanted the baby. Cancer wasn't going to take him or her away from me.
We forged ahead as bravely as we could, but it wasn't easy. I was emotional. It was especially hard seeing other pregnant women. I'd think, "They can picture a lifetime with their baby." All I could do was take it day by day. I tried not to think of milestones I might miss.
Fortunately, ultrasounds showed that the fetus was growing normally, and I began chemo at 12 weeks (the drugs I received couldn't cross the placenta). I had an amazing support system -- my husband, family, friends -- but I was so scared and alone. Nobody I knew could relate. I agonized over the thought of leaving my baby girl without a mother. I pictured her screaming my name in the night and me not being there, or Dustin dressing her in crooked pigtails and mismatched clothes. At the same time, the baby gave me a reason to fight. I would yell at the cancer, telling it to leave us alone.