How to Teach Kids to Accept Responsibility for Their Actions

"I didn't do it!" My 7-year-old daughter, Coco, recites that phrase like a mantra. Her explanations for why she's blameless fall into three main categories: Someone hit her first, it was the other kid's idea, or some adult (usually me) was responsible.

I used to let these comments slide, figuring every child her age blames others when something goes wrong. But when she said, "I didn't break the cup -- my hand did," I knew I had to teach her to own up to her behavior.

"Kids this age have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions and behavior, especially when they think their parents would disapprove of something they did," says Jeanne Brooks-Gunn, PhD, professor of child development at Columbia University Teachers College, in New York City. Since they are still not adept at anticipating consequences, admitting culpability can be daunting. For school-age children, understanding rules and consequences is still a developmental work in progress, says K. Mark Sossin, PhD, professor of psychology at Pace University, in New York City.

Even if you know why your child is reluctant to admit that she's done something wrong, you may be baffled by the strange things she says when confronted with something that's obviously her doing. Keep in mind that, for most children, accepting responsibility is a learned behavior, like manners or taking turns. So the next time you run into one of the following situations, use it as an opportunity to teach her how to react appropriately.

Your son knows the rule is to never touch the papers you bring home from the office, but he doodles on them anyway. When you confront him he claims "it was an accident." Resist the temptation to yell, punish, or try to force him to admit that he did it on purpose -- none of those responses will teach him to own up to his mistakes, says Dr. Sossin. Instead, let him know the real consequences his doodling has for you -- and him. You might say, "Now I have to print this whole thing out again, so I won't have time to play checkers." Then ask him to help you fix the problem or keep you company as you do it so he has an opportunity to make things right. Remember, from your kid's perspective, this probably was an accident in that he didn't understand the impact of his actions. By allowing him to experience the results of his behavior, rather than feel ashamed or defensive, you'll help him learn to do the right thing.

Your daughter is running around the house, falls, and then blames you because she tripped over her always untied shoelaces. Though it's maddening to be the fall guy, don't take it personally. Just ask, "What can we do so that doesn't happen again?" says Dr. Sossin. Listen to her ideas and then make a suggestion of your own like, "Why don't we practice making a double knot so your shoes won't keep coming untied?" Do this often enough and she'll start looking for a solution when things go wrong -- rather than playing the blame game.

You see your son pull his sister's hair. He says she made him do it, because she hit him first. "I tell my kids that they're in charge of themselves -- no blaming others" says Lee MacKenzie, of Mason, Ohio. Don't play judge and jury; just make sure your child understands that no matter what another kid does he's still responsible for his actions. When the heat of the moment has passed, ask your son what he thinks a good response might be the next time someone makes him angry. It's more likely to stick if he comes up with it himself. Finally, encourage empathy: "How does it feel when someone pulls your hair?"

Your daughter ransacks your jewelry box and even though she denies it, you're sure she did it. "I always tell my 7-year-old daughter that I'll be angrier if she tells me a story than if she tells the truth," says Amy Ramson, of New York City. How do you get a kid to confess? Try a non-accusatory statement such as: "That's an interesting explanation, but I'm waiting to hear what actually happened." Then matter-of-factly go about your business. Most kids will come forward if they aren't put on the defensive. But once you get your confession, make sure you applaud her honesty -- even if there's a consequence for her deed.

Giving your child responsibility is a great way to teach her to take it on herself. Try these simple chores.

• Making sure a family pet's bowl is always full of clean water or that the plants are watered.
• Hanging up her jacket and backpack immediately after she gets home.
• Keeping track of his schedule and what he needs for school each day, like sneakers on gym days or his instrument for band practice.
• Deciding whether she wants to practice the piano or do homework before or after dinner -- and following through with her choice.

Copyright © 2007. Reprinted with permission from the July 2007 issue of Parents magazine.