Mean Kids: How to Deal with School Bullies

One day at the playground, Bailey McArthur, 7, of Jesup, Georgia, watched three classmates pretend to be the Powerpuff Girls. When one left, Bailey asked if she could join in. The girls told her to go away. "It shocked me that children this age could be so hurtful for no reason," says her mother, Christine.

It shouldn't have. With improved social skills, 6- to 8-year-olds are learning to make -- and choose -- friends. Before long, they discover that one way to strengthen a bond with one group is by excluding others. Often, these tactics start out unintentionally: A grade-schooler may not want to stop a game in the middle, or may prefer to hang out one-on-one with a buddy.

"There's nothing wrong with liking one child more than another, but leaving someone out just to be mean is a different story," says Melanie Killen, PhD, a developmental psychologist at the University of Maryland, in College Park.

If you see your child excluding others, don't embarrass her in front of her friends. Wait for a quiet moment to speak to her, point out the insensitive behavior, and explain why it's wrong ("How do you think it makes Tammy feel to be treated that way?"). Tell her you expect her to treat people with more compassion from now on.

On the other hand, if your child comes home one day and says, "Nobody likes me," calmly ask what happened to make him feel rejected. Did kids on the bus refuse to sit next to him? Was he excluded from a game at recess? You might recount a similar situation you dealt with as a child. "That way, he'll understand it's something all kids go through at some point," says Daniel Koenigsberg, MD, associate professor of child psychiatry at Yale Medical School. Give your child suggestions for dealing with the situation the next time. End your conversation by saying, "I'm glad you told me about this, and we can talk about it anytime you want." This lets him know he can come to you again if the problem doesn't go away.

Chances are good that your child's social struggles will get resolved on their own. But it still won't hurt to take these steps.

• Help her meet new kids. Sign her up for an after-school or weekend activity she likes, such as tennis lessons or a ballet class. "Kids this age choose friends based on similar interests and values," says Parents advisor Michele Borba, author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me.
• Give him a game plan. Coach your child at home on the right way to approach a social situation so he'll feel more comfortable about what to do and say when the time comes. If he wants to play with kids he doesn't know at the park, have him stand nearby and watch them, trying to establish eye contact with a child who seems friendly. When he feels ready, he should ask to join them. If he's turned down, tell him to say "Okay" and move on, without getting upset in front of them.
• Reach out to other parents. Meeting moms of your child's classmates is a great way to help her develop friendships. Try joining the PTA, volunteering for lunch duty or a book fair, or carpooling (which also lets you observe how your child relates to other kids). Once you get to know another parent, invite her family over to dinner so your kids can become better acquainted.
• Ask for assistance. If your child continues to feel left out, talk to his teacher. Your child could be overstating the problem, or his bad habits (such as constantly shouting out answers rather than raising his hand) might be alienating the other kids. Ask the teacher for suggestions on how you can build your child's social skills at home. It may take some time, but the sooner you get started, the sooner he'll feel like one of the gang.

One of the most common slights for kids is being excluded from someone's birthday party. You can prevent hard feelings by following these guidelines from Lawrence Cohen, PhD, coauthor of Mom, They're Teasing Me.

Don't invite all but a few kids. Either include everyone or limit invitees to a handful of your child's classmates.

Do consider throwing an all-girls or all-boys party. This is a great way to limit the guest list without having kids feel left out.

Don't hand out invitations at school. Send them by mail, or call the parents of invitees.

Do have a birthday celebration in class (you can organize a group party game and bring stickers for everyone) so all the kids feel included.

Don't exclude other parents. If you're inviting some moms to the party, extend the courtesy to everyone.

These books will help your child realize he's not the only one who feels excluded at times.

By Diana Cain Bluthenthal
Minnie overhears that her pal Charles is having a party -- and she's not on the guest list. But it turns out Charles wasn't excluding her at all.

By Adam Stower
Rufus is a monster who loves to dance but is too clumsy to find a partner. Finally, he meets his perfect match -- a girl monster with two right feet.

By Andrew Clements
A fierce-looking fish, Big Al has trouble making friends -- until his scary appearance saves everyone from a fisherman's net.

Copyright ? 2006. Reprinted with permission from the February 2006 issue of Parents magazine.

By Stan and Jan Berenstain
When Brother Bear and his buddies ban girls from their clubhouse, his sister finds a clever way to join.