When Kids Talk Back

How can you tell the difference between defiant behavior and a child who is simply trying to assert his independence? Keep in mind that the first signs of autonomy are a natural development at this age. When a preschooler says "You're stupid," it's usually in response to being chastised ("You can't hit your brother") or being given a directive he does not want to follow at that moment ("We have to get ready to go now").

Don't overreact. "Do you want to win the 'battle' or change the behavior?" asks Cynthia Whitham, associate director of the Parent Training Program at the University of California at Los Angeles. If your child yells "You're a dummy!" and runs out of the room when you ask her to turn off the TV, you should let your child know such language is not acceptable, but do not dwell on it. "This isn't about winning," says Whitham. "You just want to stop the behavior." Ignoring negative behavior after a brief, but firm, reminder that your child's words hurt your feelings can have more impact than starting a prolonged battle of wills.

Think creatively. When Chris Stout, Ph.D., chief of psychological services at the Illinois Department of Human Services in Chicago, was selecting clothes for his son, the 4-year-old said "I hate those" when he looked at the pants. "I asked why," Dr. Stout recalls, "and he told me, 'I only like pants with pockets.' Since there weren't any clean ones, I suggested he wear a fanny pack or backpack and pretend that he had pockets." The idea refocused his son's attention on finding a solution and also let him know that his dad took his concerns seriously. "When your child can't have his way," Dr. Stout advises, "ask yourself, how can we problem-solve around this?" Take immediate action and follow up later. Children are entitled to their opinions but they're not entitled to trample on other people's feelings.

When your 7-year-old resorts to back talk or name-calling, it's easy to think she's being nasty. "When a child insults us, we often decide 'she did it to hurt us,'" says Peter Goldenthal, Ph.D., of the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, author of Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Help Your Child Become Cooperative, Caring and Compassionate. "But kids that age are not thinking about the effect they have on their parents. They're thinking about themselves and how they can get attention."

Talking back isn't always bad. "In some ways we really want our children to be able to talk back," notes Constance Katz, Ph.D., supervisor of child and adolescent psychology at William Alanson White Institute in New York City. "Our culture values independence of opinion and we don't want to destroy that quality in our children."

The problem occurs, she notes, when the child's opinion is communicated in a tone that conveys anger, contempt, or dismissiveness. We need to teach our children to get across what they are trying to say without resorting to a harsh or resentful tone of voice. Remember to consistently treat your child with respect so that he will learn how to treat others that way. "If you want your child to respond to your requests respectfully, you need to model that," advises Dr. Katz. "Say you ask your 7-year-old to take out the trash and he snaps back, 'Do it yourself.' If you retort 'You're a brat,' you've moved into the area of character attack," Dr. Katz points out. Instead of stooping to your child's level, treat him with respect by saying, "Hey, cleaning up can be a drag. Want me to give you a hand?" The point is to remind your child that he's part of a family and that respecting one another and pitching in to help out is what all family members must do.

If you find your child habitually makes negative remarks, confront the problem head-on, advises Dr. Goldenthal. But avoid saying something like "Why are you always making those negative comments?" Your child is likely to interpret the question as an accusation, which will only make her defensive. Instead, suggests Dr. Goldenthal, "try saying, 'You seem really angry with me lately, and I'd like to find out what's bothering you.' Kids respond well to sincerity."

Once your child starts to open up, let him know that you hope the next time something is bothering him he'll tell you about it instead of making sarcastic remarks that hurt your feelings and don't solve the problem. When kids are sarcastic, "try turning away and focusing your attention elsewhere," advises Whitham. "Why dignify sarcasm with any response?" The remarks will stop, she says, if you do this consistently.

When Astrid afKlinteberg, who lives in Gloucester, MA, picked up her 10-year-old daughter, Carson, from cross-country track practice one afternoon, she asked "How was your day?" Carson shot back, "You're on time, unlike usual." Instead of chastising her daughter for her criticism, the mom calmly replied, "Yup, I'm trying to be on time more often, sweetie, and I think I'm getting better at it."

Her daughter immediately softened, afKlinteberg recalls. "A lot of tension seemed to melt away." Instead of dwelling on her daughter's insolence, afKlinteberg was willing to focus on the truth in her child's statement to successfully avoid a battle. Humor can often have the same effect in turning around your child's mood.

When your child continues to talk back, despite your efforts, you may want to try what Whitham calls the "broken record" technique. With older children, says Whitham, "talking back is basically a bad habit used as a diversionary tactic to wear down parents." To break the pattern, simply repeat, very calmly, a short phrase that clearly states your position. For example, your 12-year-old is arguing that he wants to hang out at the mall with his friends. "Why can't I go?" he pleads. "The subject is closed," you say. "You never let me do anything." "The subject is closed." You may also need to establish a clear consequence. For example, "If you bring it up again, you lose an evening of TV." It won't be long before your son gets tired of the routine and makes other plans. "When a child is ticked off, no amount of reasoning is going to win the agreement," says Whitham. "Ultimately, parents need to realize they have the right not to be screamed at."

As children grow, talking back is a part of the constant struggle between dependence and autonomy. When mouthing off becomes chronic, says Braun, you need to seek out the underlying reasons for such behavior. If the child is talking back at school, too, it may be time to find a family counselor to discuss the root of the child's anger. Most of the time, however, "talking back is about testing limits, learning what is and isn't okay," says Dr. Stout. When you help your child develop the ability to express her opinions without trampling other people's feelings, you give her a valuable skill that will serve her well throughout her life.

Originally published in the June/July 2000 issue of Child magazine.

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