Child Care You Can Trust

A few months ago, my husband and I took our 22-month-old son to visit a day-care center. We arrived unannounced at a place that my working-mom friends rave about, were graciously welcomed (nice!), asked for photo ID (reassuring!), and given a thorough tour (nothing to hide!). We learned about feeding, naptime, and outdoor play, and when the staffer asked if we had questions, we looked at each other, shrugged, and said "Nope!" It never occurred to me to bring a list of questions, nor would I have even known what to ask. "We spend so much time researching what car to get, where to buy a house, where to go on vacation," says Iris Chin Ponte, Ph.D., director of the Henry Frost Children's Program in Belmont, Massachusetts. "But when it comes to looking for child care, many parents don't know where to start." After reading this guide, you will!

Day care in someone's house appeals to parents who want their Miss Giggles or Mr. Stinkypants in a personal environment. "Many parents like this setting for babies because it feels so nurturing," says Linda Smith, executive director of the National Association of Child Care Resource and Referral Agencies (NACCRRA). "Some also like that the hours can be more flexible than at a day-care center." Make sure:

It has a business license, with a report you can view. It means the state has inspected the home and run background checks on the provider, and that the provider-to-child ratio is at or below state standards (you can check guidelines at childcareaware.org and search for accredited providers at nafcc.org; three-to-one is the ideal).

She's trained and certified. Although being an experienced mom is a fine quality in a family day-care provider, it's not enough. Check that she's trained in CPR and infant first aid -- and takes refresher courses annually. Ask how many kids she accepts, max (including drop-ins). If you expect the place to serve as preschool for a year or two, inquire about the provider's education and experience.

It's OK to drop by for a tour. Check to see how the child-care space is set up, how clean the kitchen is, and how kids interact with the provider. Show up around mealtime or naptime, says Smith: "That's when kids get tired and cranky -- and how the provider handles the situation will say a lot."

The home is babyproofed. Inspect a provider's house for any and all safety hazards. Ask how many smoke detectors are in the house (as in your own home, there should be at least one per floor) and about an emergency evacuation plan. Check that outdoor play areas are fenced and gated securely. Says Smith, "If a provider resents the hard questions, you should leave."

You know who else will have access to your child. Find out about other adults living in the home, whether the child-care provider would ever leave her charges with someone else while she runs an errand, and how often this might happen. You'll need to be as comfortable and familiar with her backup caregiver as you are with her.

References are freely provided. Ask at least two parents what they love about the provider -- and what, if anything, they wish was different.

It's a TV-free zone. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no television at all for children who are younger than two years old. Notes Jill Stamm, Ph.D., author of Bright From The Start, "There's research on the increase of ADHD characteristics in young kids who watch a lot of TV."

If you're looking for socialization and structure, this option's for you. Many centers offer extended drop-off and pickup hours (although extra hours will probably cost you). It's also comforting to know a solo provider who calls in sick won't catch you off guard. Make sure:

The facility is licensed and accredited. Day-care regulations vary from state to state, but a licensed program should, at the minimum, meet state health and safety standards and have strict caregiver-child ratios (these ratios apply to both a family-run day care as well as a franchised day-care center). For accredited programs that voluntarily exceed minimum state requirements, check out naeyc.org and necpa.net.

There's a schedule. Infants thrive on routine and structure. But there should also be free play for older babies, says Barbara Rigney- Hill, associate professor of family and consumer sciences at California State University in Northridge. "Kids need time for discovery."

The curriculum is varied. If you're planning on keeping your child there for the long haul, it's good to know now whether the center emphasizes early academics. One confidence-inducing sign: There's an activity schedule posted for the week, which indicates forethought.

The kids are varied too. Diversity is a priority for families who want their children to feel like they fit in as they get older and start to notice other kids, as well as for families who want their kids to grow up understanding that everyone doesn't have the same skin color and background as they do.

You'll get daily updates. From feedings to poops to naps, you want to stay looped in. Some centers have daily "report cards" -- have no fear; they're not doling out grades!

A sitter can be an excellent choice for parents who have more than one child (rates won't double with two kids, as they do in day care); who have unpredictable work schedules or a child with special needs; or who'd like light child-related housekeeping such as laundry. Make sure she has:

A good history. Agencies do educational and background screenings. If you find a sitter through word-of-mouth, ask how much education and child-care training she has (including infant CPR) and if she has a recent background check to share. If not, run one; nanny.org has a list of companies that do checks.

Hobbies. Asking about her interests isn't idle chitchat; you'll get clues as to what leisure activities she may explore with your baby, says Susan Tokayer, co-president of the International Nanny Association. If she enjoys bike riding in the park, for instance, she's likely to want to get outside with your child.

A happy home life. As Tokayer says, "You don't want someone who's going to have daily drama."

Crisis management skills. Ask for an example of how she responded in an emergency situation. "You need a person who has demonstrated she can act quickly, stay calm, and make the right decision," says Tokayer. If she doesn't know to call 911 first and you second, keep looking!

Chat about expectations. There's no need to treat Grandma like an employee (spare her the staff handbook), but be up-front about things like expected hours and the daily routine.

Put her on the payroll! She might refuse pay, but you owe it to her to ask. If she says no, regularly acknowledge her work and compensate her in other ways -- say, with a trip or restaurant gift certificates.

Discuss safety issues. Brief Granny on current safety tactics like putting infants to sleep on their backs. If she's sitting on her own turf, childproof it.

Make sure she's still up to the task. Holding, feeding, and changing a baby is doable enough but soon your tot will be more active -- a lot more active! Agree to regroup in six months or so to see how things are going.

No matter what kind of provider you're interviewing, find out the following to make sure your child-care styles are in sync.

What's your approach to eating and sleeping routines? If your baby chows on demand but your provider is bent on feeding her every three hours no matter what, you may have to change your weekend habits (or find a different provider).

Do you hold babies during feedings? Perhaps you don't want your tot propped in a high chair (unless you're a mom of multiples).

How often do you read books? Even the youngest babies benefit by being read to.

How do you handle babies when they're inconsolable? It's key to be in agreement.

How would you describe your personality? What you're probing for: someone who is flexible enough to abide by your instructions.

Do you often touch base with parents? If getting phone, text, or email updates is important to you, make sure a provider is amenable to that. Just bear in mind: Time spent communicating with you means time not fully focused on your child.

Arrive home at your expected time, and call on the rare occasion when you're running late. Yep, your sitter has a life beyond your baby.

Forget about Super Nanny; she's only on TV! Think about it: It's not that easy for you to care for your child, do the laundry, and keep his room clean; same goes for your sitter. She may be a professional, but she's human.

Pay her the going rate. You want her to feel like a million, not a bargain.

Make her comfy in your home. Invite her to nosh from the fridge and make necessary phone calls. After all, she's your new part-time family member...and a valuable one at that.

Trust her, and make it clear that you do. It's fine to request daily notes but asking her to keep an overly detailed log is a sure way to have her run screaming from the house.

The month before you're back at work: Once you've hired a caregiver, create an agreement. It should outline what you each expect from the arrangement.

A couple of weeks before: Do a test run. It'll ease the transition -- and your mind! Invite the sitter over for an hour or so while you run to the grocery store, or drop your child off at day care for the afternoon.

The week before: Get gear together. Gather the items on the day-care center's checklist, pack them into a knapsack or tote, and put it by the door. If you're using a sitter, make sure your supplies are fully stocked. Running out for diapers and wipes the night before your first day at work: no fun.

A few days before: Start implementing your new morning routine. Consider who should shower first and who should feed and dress the baby -- and remember to build in an extra 10 minutes for surprises (think poop).

The first day at work: Quickly say goodbye to your child, then leave. Lingering will make separation harder for both of you. If you need to call five times, fine -- you're adjusting too.

For moms, worrying comes with the territory. Try these proven ways to manage your anxiety.

The freak-out: What if my baby loves the caregiver more? "I felt so sad in the beginning, because our nanny was the one getting to spend all the time with my son."
Elise Bender-Segall; Livingston, New Jersey

Fear not! "No matter how close the baby gets to his caregiver, your mother-child bond can't be replaced," says Lisa Noll, Ph.D., a psychologist at Texas Children's Hospital in Houston, who's helped soothe many a new mom. Also reassuring to know: Babies of full-time working moms don't suffer from slower development (as previously suspected), according to a study by the Teacher's College at Columbia University School of Social Work.

The freak-out: Baby needs me! "I was concerned that the day-care staffers looking after my baby wouldn't know all the particular things he liked. If he cried, would they remember that looking out the window at the trees calmed him down?"
Hannah Ross; Reston, Virginia

Fear not! Create a little "book" about your child -- Introducing Emily! -- and list the toys, songs, and other stuff she likes, and dislikes, suggests Dr. Noll. Tell the caregiver about techniques that soothe your sweetie; she'll be happy to know.

The freak-out: I'll be out of touch with my child's life. "I didn't want to go back to work and have someone else take care of my baby -- I knew and adored her every move."
Sara Brosious; Wilmington, Delaware

Fear not! Create new mommy-and-me rituals, like reading at bedtime. Also, ask your caregiver if you could leave a disposable camera with her so she can capture the major milestones.

The freak-out: I'll miss my baby too much to focus on my work. "I put my son into day care when he was 12 weeks old. I hung his pictures on the wall outside my cubicle. That way, they were a topic of conversation and not the subject of a pity party!
Alisa Bonsignore; Plesanton, California

Fear not! Besides photos, Dr. Noll suggests a baby journal: At lunch, or during moments when you find yourself thinking about something adorable your munchkin did, write down your thoughts and feelings, then go back to your day. And plan special after-work time (dance party in the living room!) so you have something to look forward to.

The freak-out: I won't miss my baby -- and I should, shouldn't I? "I was thrilled to be home with my newborn, but after eight weeks I was ready for adult conversations again. When I went back to work, I felt guilty that I didn't feel guilty!"
Donna Williams; New York City

Fear not! Enjoying work doesn't make you a bad mom -- in fact, your goal is to be so confident that your baby's well taken care of that you don't worry at all. "A child who is well cared-for and emotionally well adjusted will thrive," says Noll.

"My two girls have been in day care since they were babies. Almost all of the head teachers have been there since the center opened in 2000. Being a businesswoman myself, I realize that this is no accident. The center is managed extremely well; they always have more teachers on hand than is required by the state. In my opinion, good management equals happy teachers and children!"
Jen Pereyra; Columbus, New Jersey

"After two weeks with a nanny who questioned everything, from our stroller to the soap we used, I replaced her with a warm, energetic caregiver who took direction well. Lesson learned! The parent and nanny need to feel 100 percent on the same team; otherwise it can't work."
Christine O'Shaughnessey; Oak Park, Illinois

"I'm putting my 14-month-old in a home day care soon. The woman I've found believes in outdoor playtime and is very eco-conscious -- she cooks organic meals for the kids and gardens with them. I'm finding it harder to give my daughter the super-healthy organic meals I dreamed of when I was pregnant, but now she'll at least get a couple a day!"
Aimee Lombard; Bedford, Massachusetts

"I put my son in day care when he was 9 months old. When I visited, I appreciated that the teachers told me about the art projects he would do. Often when I pick him up, I find him cuddling with a teacher. I love that they love my little guy!"
Ashley Gilmore; Downers Grove, Illinois

Originally published in the October 2011 issue of American Baby magazine.