"We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Be sure to leave the babysitter a first-aid kit with tourniquet; the phone numbers of the pediatrician, the ambulance, the fire department, the police, the Poison Control Center, all your neighbors, the Mayo Clinic, all your relatives, the State Department, etc; and a note telling her where you are ('We're in the basement') and what to do in the event of an emergency ('Pound on the floor')."
-- Dave Barry
"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one."
-- Leo Burke
"In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and ... mothers. Only your grandmother and Genghis Khan know how to do it."
-- Bill Cosby
"Layette. That's French for 'You must buy at least one of everything in this store.'"
-- Ian Davis
"Mothers, food, love, and career: the four major guilt groups."
-- Cathy Guisewite
"When I grow up I want to be a little boy."
-- Joseph Heller
"Diaper backwards spells repaid. Think about it."
-- Marshall McLuhan
"The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air out of their tires."
-- Dorothy Parker
"You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers."
-- John J. Plomp
"You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going."
-- P.J. O'Rourke
"Adults are obsolete children."
-- Dr. Seuss
"Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething."
-- Mark Twain
Originally published on AmericanBaby.com, February 2007.