Mom & Kids

Digital Vision

My son Carter is studying lantern fish. He tells me they are bioluminescent -- "that means they glow from within, Mom." He calls me Mom instead of Mommy, or Mama, now that he is a litle man. He has blue eyes the color of a river, sandy blonde hair, and a gap-toothed smile. He is so beautiful it takes my breath away. At least once a day, I try to make a point of seeing him as he is. If I blink I can imagine the young man he will become. If I close my eyes I can remember the baby in my arms. It's topsy-turvy, this business of being Mom.

Much has been said about how difficult motherhood can be, including in Judith Warner's book Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety. I just finished reading it, and I'm here to make a guilty confession: I'm mother to three sons, Carter and twins, and despite all the reasons I could be anxious about motherhood, I'm not. Simply put, I love my life.

How did this happen? Sometimes I'm surprised myself. During my 20s, I never stayed in the same place more than two years. Colleges, jobs, apartments, rental homes ... all had an expiration date. I was a rolling stone gathering no moss. But motherhood changed me, and for that I am extremely grateful. Now I try to live my days according to a few basic tenets. They're simple things we should already know, but I attribute my general sense of well-being to them. I think of these little instructions as the Tao of Elmo:

You can't do it alone and you shouldn't try. Community is essential. Find moms who are willing to talk openly and honestly about their children and their lives. You may have to kiss a few frogs along the way, but when you do find your tribe, the payoff is worth the effort. My two best friends are a homeschooling, right-wing mother of six and a liberal, Ivy League-educated mother of two. Our differences might seem glaring, but we mother in similar ways: We teach our kids to play nice and never to hit or bite.

Spend less time worrying, more time doing. There are no guarantees in life, especially in parenthood. I learned this the hard way, when my twins spent five weeks in the NICU after they were born. I vowed that when I got them home, I'd never complain about the little stuff again. In short, be like your children. Each day starts new and fresh for them, full of possibility. Try your hardest each day, then move on.