The Hormonal Stay-at-Home Mom
Kids: Seven months pregnant with first child
Married: 4 1/2 years
8 a.m. Wake up to sweet note from husband next to pillow. "Our baby is so lucky to have you as a mom." He's so thoughtful.
9 p.m. Mother-in-law didn't wish me a happy Mother's Day, so I unleash fury on poor, unsuspecting husband.
10 p.m. Discover stretch marks on breasts. Freak out. Husband: "They're just red marks from your bra." Know he's lying, but it's a sweet lie.
Midnight Husband: "Pregnancy has brought out everything I love about you times 10." Makes me want him, but I'm too exhausted for sex. We cuddle in bed with his hand on my belly. Feel closer to him than ever.
9 a.m. Wake up feeling frisky, but husband is at work. Use trusty vibrator.
10 a.m. Husband calls to tell me he misses me. Don't tell him I used vibrator; it'll just tease him. He always wants me to save my sexual energy for when he's home.
12:45 p.m. Meet old coworker for frozen yogurt. Boobs leak. Turn bright red.
7:30 p.m. Eavesdrop on pregnant woman at restaurant. Pregnant woman: "We have sex every day, and I think that's pretty good considering how big I am." You've got to be kidding me.
10 p.m. Watch movie starring Christian Bale. Feel like giggly 13-year-old girl again. Husband sleeping. Darn!
9 a.m. Still feel like having sex. Must wait nine hours till husband gets home!
11 a.m. Stand behind cyclist wearing spandex shorts at Starbucks. Can't stop staring at his perfectly round butt.
7:30 p.m. Husband initiates sex in the shower. He thinks pregnancy is super sexy. Trying to balance belly and one leg in the air without slipping is very difficult.
9:45 a.m. Get friendly with myself again. Am I becoming addicted to vibrator?
12:30 p.m. Woman looks at my frozen yogurt, then my belly, and smiles. Feel fat.
9 p.m. Watching Lost with husband. Bet on outcome of episode. If he wins, he gets a sexual favor. If I win, a massage. Shoot! I lose.
10:15 p.m. Naked in bathroom when realization hits me. Me: "I can't see my vagina anymore!" Husband: "Don't worry, I'll keep any eye on it." I laugh.
10:30 a.m. Best ... Sex ... Ever! Breasts leak everywhere.
11:30 a.m. Lie down for post-sex siesta.
9 p.m. Pregnancy is wearing me out! Husband massages me. Love him.
2 a.m. Dream I'm having sex with Johnny Knoxville. Hope subconscious picks a more romantic sex partner next time.
Dr. Hutcherson: "Strong sexual desire and frequent fantasizing are not very common in late pregnancy. Increased blood flow down below could be the reason for it. It's wonderful that she's still having shower sex."
The New Mom Easing Back into Sex One Painful Day at a Time
Kids: 3-month-old son
Married: 3 years
3 a.m. Husband is talking in sleep: "Ooh ... Aah ... Yes! So good!"
7 a.m. Ask husband if his dream was about having great sex. Husband: "Yeah, that would definitely be a dream!"
10 p.m. Husband: "Please come to bed naked. I don't need to have sex, but I need to feel intimate with you." Still scared it will hurt too badly. Husband understands, but wishes that we were on the same page.
8:45 a.m. Husband wakes up frisky. He moves aside my breast pads (sexy!) and starts kissing my breasts. He's been obsessed with them ever since I started breastfeeding.
10 a.m. Have sex for first time after birth. Ouch! This does not feel good. Note to self: Buy lots of K-Y jelly!
10:30 a.m. Wince during sex. Husband notices and pulls away. Husband: "It's not real sex unless you enjoy it too." Me: "So we've been having fake sex for the past 10 months?" Husband: "Yep, not as fun." Sex has been uncomfortable since fourth month of pregnancy. Start crying. 3 p.m. Husband squeezes my butt as I unload dishwasher. 10 p.m. Unwittingly start watching soft-core porn movie with my mother. Yikes! Turn it off quickly. Mortified.
9 a.m. Have sex with husband. Still hurts.
3 p.m. Good news: My doc can prescribe estrogen cream to make sex more comfortable. Husband will be pleased.
9:45 p.m. Husband: "Please take off your shirt and come to bed." Me: "Can't. My boobs are swollen and leaking milk." My breasts are the forbidden fruit -- firm, perky, and totally unavailable to him.
10 a.m. Make out with husband.
2 p.m. Changing clothes. Husband: "Available boobies! Quick, before our son gets them!" He pulls me onto floor and pleasures me next to sleeping baby. Weird at first, then kind of sweet. It's nice to be close to him.
6 p.m. Husband is touchy-feely after a few cocktails. Husband: "I loooove youuu. I love you even more than our son."
Dr. Hutcherson: "Painful sex after childbirth is common, and most new moms are scared intercourse will never feel normal again. Some men can feel pushed away and unwanted during this time, but her husband is great at communicating how much he loves her."
The Hard-Up Father in Search of Hot Post-Baby Nooky
Kids: 2-year-old boy and 6-week-old girl
Married: 7 years
7:50 a.m. Gently caress wife. Hope this gets her in the mood today.
9:45 p.m. Wife is pumping for baby. Breast pump reminds me of a farming device, but it does allow me a glimpse of her boobs.
11:37 p.m. Kiss wife's face and neck. Nursing bra makes access easy but weird-looking. I'm not picky, though -- it's been a while.
11:40 p.m. Play with wife's breasts, but not for long. Scared of being squirted in eye. We touch each other for a long time, then fall asleep.
8 a.m. Hope wife joins me in shower. Hopes dashed.
9:45 a.m. Car broke down. Sitting on bus next to attractive woman with low-cut shirt and nice breasts. She smells good.
12:10 p.m. E-flirt with coworker I call my "sports girlfriend." She's cute and laughs at my jokes, but it won't go anywhere.
10: 45 p.m. Consider perusing Internet for porn but decide against it.
9:15 a.m. Notice that warm weather has brought out all the cute girls. Feel guilty and juvenile for thinking this.
Noon More e-flirting with sports girlfriend.
10:45 p.m. Have pseudo-sex with wife -- no actual intercourse, but enough rubbing against each other to feel good.
7:35 a.m. Wake up late and shower alone, again. Sex life sucks in past few months.
10:10 p.m. Hang out with the guys. Discuss hot women. We're pigs.
11:50 p.m. Internet porn tonight? Can't. Feel too guilty.
6:45 a.m. Wife joins me in shower. Even if we don't do anything at least we're naked.
7:10 a.m. Wife stands in doorway wearing one of my shirts -- sexy. Will file away as masturbation material for later.
9:45 p.m. Doctor has cleared wife. Feeling hopeful tonight, so I sleep naked.
11:00 p.m. Make love for first time in four months. Wife is totally into it. Looks like we're back on our sex-once-a-week schedule.
Dr. Hutcherson: "This dad's experience is typical of fathers whose wives have just given birth. Waiting six weeks for intercourse can feel like an eternity for them. You can tell he's anxious to have sex and because of this starts fantasizing about what he's not getting at home. Fortunately, when they did have sex it was a great experience and his wife enjoyed it. A lot of new fathers worry that it won't be the same."
The Busy Mom Looking to Sneak In Sex Whenever (and Wherever) She Can
Kids: Three girls, 16, 3, and 14 months
Married: 7 years
2 p.m. Running errands. Mission: Get home, put kids down for nap, and (hopefully!) have sex.
2:30 p.m. Hubby and 3-year-old take nap while I stay up with 1-year-old who won't sleep. Oh, well.
10 p.m. Baby wakes up screaming. She's soaked and teething. Long night ahead.
11 p.m. Teen wants to talk. We fall asleep in my room. Three-year-old joins us.
Midnight Wake up with 3-year-old's foot in my face. Get up and look for husband.
12:05 a.m. Find husband. We drink a few cocktails and talk. Alone time, finally!
2 a.m. Hubby and I lie down on teen's bed. Should we have a quickie? We've got a nice champagne buzz and, for once, no kids in the bed with us! Baby starts crying. Guess not.
7 a.m. Wake up frisky after sex dream. Pleasure myself in the shower.
11 a.m. Miss sleeping alone with husband. These spoiled girls need to sleep in their own beds!
12 p.m. Husband: "Stop what you're doing and come here now." Worried. Husband: "I love you so much."
7:30 a.m. Exhausted! Too many late nights recently.
11 a.m. Doing dishes. Husband starts rubbing my breasts and butt. Unfortunately, not in the mood.
8 p.m. Husband and I cuddle on couch. He starts rubbing up on me again. Turned on now. Three-year-old wakes up crying (bad timing, again!). She has a fever.
1 a.m. Husband falls asleep. I stay up with sick baby.
7:30 a.m. It's husband's birthday. Maybe we'll both get some tonight!
8 a.m. Husband and I kiss in kitchen. Three-year-old bursts in: "Daddy, why are you rubbing Mommy's booty?"
9 a.m. Stressed out today. Definitely could use sex to relieve all this tension!
11 a.m. Time to run a million errands. Can't wait to celebrate tonight!
11 p.m. Too exhausted for sex.
5 p.m. Husband grabs my butt at grocery store. Husband: "I just love your butt!"
6 p.m. We stop by storage facility. Husband: "How 'bout a quickie?" Me: "Now?"
6:05 p.m. Space is tight, but we make it work. Sex feels dangerous, like we might get caught -- exciting!
6:45 p.m. Husband: "Who needs bedroom sex, right?"
Dr. Hutcherson: "This poor mom! She's trying to have sex, but the kids keep getting in the way. I love that they had a quickie in the storage facility. It's important to be creative and find a time and space to have sex when the kids aren't around. They've done this, which is great for their relationship."
Copyright © 2008. Used with permission from the June 2008 issue of Parents magazine.
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