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What to Do When Someone Is Different
One clear and sunny day last November, my husband, John, and I decided to take our three kids, Ethan, 8, Charlie, 5, and Savanna, 4, to the top of the Empire State Building. When we described the tall building and the fact that they'd be more than a thousand feet off the ground, they were ecstatic.
As we arrived at the 86th-floor Observatory deck, their excitement became contagious. John and my aunt, who'd joined us for the adventure, took Charlie and Savanna in one direction, and I showed Ethan the breathtaking vista over lower Manhattan and the Hudson River. As we were gazing at the Statue of Liberty, I noticed that another mom and her son, who was probably about 6, were looking at us.
Suddenly, the boy pointed at us. "Hey, Mom!" he called out. Ethan turned around, no longer oblivious to the scene that was about to unfold. The boy opened his mouth to say something to us, but then his panic-stricken mother quickly pulled him away into the crowd of tourists.
We have been in plenty of situations like this before. Born with a rare condition called ectrodactyly, I have only one finger on each hand, shortened forearms, and one toe on each foot. Ethan and Charlie were also born with ectrodactyly. Given our unusual appearance, we're not surprised when people stare at us. Ethan, in particular, approaches the subject matter-of-factly -- almost like, "I have two fingers, and most other kids don't, so what?" After all, the boys' lives are just like those of other kids -- they have school, afternoon play with their friends, sports, and family time. It's just a few moments a day or a week when someone, out of ignorance or just insensitivity, reminds them that they were born different.
Although my Mother Bear instincts often kick in at these times, my mission is not to overprotect them. But I certainly understand how they might feel sometimes. I remember years ago when I visited some friends and their three children for a birthday party. It had been ages since I'd seen them. When I arrived, one of their kids looked at me with terror in his eyes and then ran out of the room. Usually children are interested and ask about my hands, but in that instant I felt like a monster.
Once I found my friend in the kitchen, I told her that I thought her son was afraid of me. "Oh, Meg, don't be ridiculous, he's only 5!" she said. "We decided to prepare the kids about the way you look so they'd be on their best behavior and wouldn't make you uncomfortable in front of other guests. Don't worry, they'll just love you!" Aha! Now I knew why I felt like a creature from some faraway lagoon -- my friends' so-called preparation had simply freaked out their son.
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Part 2: But I also have a curious 5 year old who sometimes asks questions or stares and I myself panic. Maybe more so because I know what it's like to be frustrated by people staring at my daughter. I try to teach my girls the importance of showing love and kindness to all people. Thank you for this wonderful article! (And you have a beautiful family!)
12/3/2011 12:51:39 PM Report AbuseAs a young girl I babysit for a family Ectrodactyly (mother and children). I always got the sense that they had had trouble finding babysitters that treated their children "normally", I remember being fond of caring for this family that needed special love and care when most of the world rejects them! Little did I know that I would one day be on both sides of this! I have a daughter (like vkramer above) with a giant nevus who gets all sorts of strange looks from time to time.
12/3/2011 12:49:56 PM Report AbuseThank you for sharing this story. I have never heard of this condition before and am glad to know more about it. I have a daughter with a rare skin condition, a giant nevus, basically a birthmark that covers about 30-40% of her body. Anyway, she is too young to realize that people sometimes point, and ask/say rude things. I hope that I can raise her to be open with her condition and excepting of others as you have shown you are through this article. Thanks!
12/3/2011 05:47:35 AM Report AbuseThank you for writing this story!! My 2 1/2 year old son also has Ectrodactyly. It was such a surprise for me when I was leafing through the magazine and all of a sudden I saw two beautiful boys with hands just like my son's. Thank you to Parents for putting a spotlight on rare conditions like these.
12/1/2011 08:54:26 AM Report AbuseWhat a fantastic article! This will help me, along with many other parents, in sharing and understanding the uniqueness of each person my children encounter. And even help them become more comfortable with their own differences. Thank you!
11/22/2011 10:58:44 PM Report AbuseThank you, thank you, thank you for your honesty and for this beautiful reminder that everyone is unique and special, and everyone should be treated with dignity and respect. I will talk this over with my sons and use this approach as well. I agree with a comment above: You do have a beautiful family. I was so touched by your son's wish!
11/22/2011 02:27:07 PM Report AbuseMy Dad lost his right arm in a car crash when he was 16, and wore an artificial arm. It taught me a lot about how to react to people who are "different" and treat them just the same.
11/22/2011 11:47:37 AM Report AbuseThank you for your amazing story!I shared this story with my children. Thank you for teaching me and my children.
11/22/2011 11:36:45 AM Report AbuseThis is a wonderful article! I usually take every opportunity to teach my son about life, but this is one lesson I would have skipped. He's not talking quite yet but I'll remember this when the time comes that he does ask those important questions.
11/22/2011 11:29:35 AM Report AbuseVery practical advice. In the future, I will not be afraid to capitalize on this important teaching moment. Thank you for sharing your insight!
11/22/2011 10:27:58 AM Report AbuseWhat an AMAZING story! Thank you so much for sharing, you are definitely raising some strong children who will do/be anything their heart desires! I know find myself 'hoping' for an opportunity to teach my child God's amazing work in ALL forms!
11/22/2011 10:16:19 AM Report AbuseMy DH was born with a truncated limb with three fingers just past where his elbow joint would be. We have a 3YO DD and are expecting #2 in May. A common question from kids is how many fingers he has (a total of 8). Then he'll ask how many they have (10). He'll then smile and joke with them asking, "Well, why do you need so many fingers?"
11/22/2011 10:15:04 AM Report AbuseI have heard of that condition before. I understand it must be hard not to over protect like you say. By the way you have a beautiful family. I hope that one day the world won't judge or look differently at people who are different from themselves.
11/22/2011 10:06:57 AM Report Abusei've never heard of this. thank you for the article. i would like to think that everyone is teaching their kids not to stare & point and that people who look different are still people just like themselves, but i guess not.
11/22/2011 09:54:42 AM Report Abuse