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When Kids Talk Back
How can you tell the difference between defiant behavior and a child who is simply trying to assert his independence? Keep in mind that the first signs of autonomy are a natural development at this age. When a preschooler says "You're stupid," it's usually in response to being chastised ("You can't hit your brother") or being given a directive he does not want to follow at that moment ("We have to get ready to go now").
Don't overreact. "Do you want to win the 'battle' or change the behavior?" asks Cynthia Whitham, associate director of the Parent Training Program at the University of California at Los Angeles. If your child yells "You're a dummy!" and runs out of the room when you ask her to turn off the TV, you should let your child know such language is not acceptable, but do not dwell on it. "This isn't about winning," says Whitham. "You just want to stop the behavior." Ignoring negative behavior after a brief, but firm, reminder that your child's words hurt your feelings can have more impact than starting a prolonged battle of wills.
Think creatively. When Chris Stout, Ph.D., chief of psychological services at the Illinois Department of Human Services in Chicago, was selecting clothes for his son, the 4-year-old said "I hate those" when he looked at the pants. "I asked why," Dr. Stout recalls, "and he told me, 'I only like pants with pockets.' Since there weren't any clean ones, I suggested he wear a fanny pack or backpack and pretend that he had pockets." The idea refocused his son's attention on finding a solution and also let him know that his dad took his concerns seriously. "When your child can't have his way," Dr. Stout advises, "ask yourself, how can we problem-solve around this?" Take immediate action and follow up later. Children are entitled to their opinions but they're not entitled to trample on other people's feelings.
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I have a 7 year old and getting her up in the morning is the absolute worst! I too try to stay calm and try my best not to raise my voice but I have to tell you there are some days better than others. I won't stop trying and knowing that I am not alone in this battle helps me and let's me know to keep my head up. Thanks, Charlene
9/27/2010 12:14:00 PM Report AbuseStop them watching those TV shows that glorify this kind of rudeness and don't pick up that sarcastic kid altogether -- it's one thing to register unhappiness about late pick up, a whole different thing to be smart alecky. I think it's absolutely outrageous that parents have to swallow that kind of crap when they're doing kids a favour by picking them up fm school!!!!!
9/13/2010 06:03:00 AM Report Abusei have a nine year old the talking back and argueing has got me at wits end i feel like an monster. thanks for this article i believe it will help.
9/6/2010 09:50:06 AM Report AbuseI am finding it very difficult with my son who is 10 - we always seem to be fighting and I find it difficult to take a step back and be so calm when he is disrespcting me or huffing about the place because he has been asked to do something.
5/4/2010 05:24:13 PM Report Abusekfitzy31, nice point! I can see great benefit in teaching our kids instead to manage their own expectations and to deal constructively with disappointments. This teaches them life skills that we all could use and is a good approach to helping them to protect their self-esteem. Over-coddling and nursing only sets them up for failure in the real world where other are not likely to be as congenial.
4/8/2010 06:12:27 PM Report Abuseberogers5839, book the family on a voluntourist vacation somewhere the third world. Kids today need some perspective on what they take for granted. As long as their mentality of entitlement is enabled by mully-cuddle parents we will continue to reap a crop of ingrates. Makes me wonder what values this generation of kids can possibly have to pass on to their kids.
4/8/2010 05:55:22 PM Report AbuseI do not find this exchange acceptable: "How was your day?" "You're on time, unlike usual." "Yup, I'm trying to be on time more often, sweetie, and I think I'm getting better at it." I'm sorry, but a squishy, wimpy, "protect-the-child's-feelings-at-all-costs" approach does not help raise respectful children. The skycrocketing number of rude children could perhaps be explained by useless articles such as this.
3/22/2010 09:53:51 AM Report AbuseThere are many forms of back talk in children and teens. Many times back talk will end up becoming verbal abuse. http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Stop-Your-Kids-Backtalk.php
1/5/2010 08:09:12 AM Report Abuse"Stay calm", "be consistent", and "avoid sarcasm" - it makes sense, but it's not easy. Parents are human. We are offended by attitudes and defiant behaviors, especially when they come from our children. But if you take a breath, control yourself, and follow this advice, it works. Sometimes, I find that I could use little time-out or distraction for myself, but above all, I find that the calm, firm and logical 'follow up' solidifies my standards, and strengthens my relationship w/ my child :)
10/23/2009 12:35:34 PM Report AbuseI have a pre teen. She likes to talk back to me all the time. She thinks I like her sister more then her. She likes to complain all the time. about the food in the house her clothes, how unfair her dad and I am. I dont know how to handle it any more. I am yelling alot more! Thanks Belinda
10/4/2009 02:47:36 PM Report Abuse