Sex & Marriage After Baby: How to Survive Your Marriage's Most Trying Times

It's a shock when your marriage hits its first patch of turbulence. You've been cruising along just fine, when all of a sudden, the bottom drops out. Welcome to your first big fight -- you know, the ugly kind with screaming, shouting, slamming doors, and tears. You've probably just hit a bit of nasty weather, but when you're bouncing through it, it's scary. You find yourself thinking: Is this it? Are we over?

In all likelihood, the answer is no. The truth is that all marriages go through choppy stretches. In fact, it's even possible to pinpoint when the bumps will come. Thirty years of research shows that most couples encounter conflict at predictable times.

So fasten your seat belts! We'll clue you in to the five stormiest periods, plus give you strategies to help you soar through them with your love intact.

When the Honeymoon Is So Over

Black Cloud
You're soul mates. You share the same interests and values, and you've lived together long enough to know each other's lovable quirks. But suddenly, you're fighting all the time about nitpicky stuff like how to load the dishwasher or whether it's possible for one person to sleep while the other's watching Monster Garage. You start to agonize over these disagreements. You wonder: Where has the love gone?

Relax! The love's right here, where it's always been. You're just experiencing the perils of the "really getting to know you" phase. Every marriage has an adjustment period that usually continues through the first few years -- and that can create little rifts from time to time. "It's amazing to me how few couples anticipate that they'll fight occasionally," says Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again. "As soon as disagreements arise, they assume something is horribly wrong with the relationship." Nine times out of ten, there's nothing wrong at all. Like a pair of gorgeous but blister-inducing new shoes, your marriage just needs some breaking in.

Sunny Solution
Master the art of talking and listening respectfully to each other early on, and you'll definitely thank yourselves later. "The way you manage your differences during the first few years of your marriage sets a pattern for the years ahead," says Susan Heitler, Ph.D., coauthor of The Power of Two Workbook: Communication Skills for a Strong & Loving Marriage.

So grow up. This is your spouse you're dealing with, not your little brother. When tempers start to flare, step back and figure out what the two of you are really arguing about. If you understand the deeper concerns, you'll be better able to resolve them. Avoid criticism, sarcasm, and accusatory weeping. If you can't speak without screaming, wait until your anger subsides. Then, ask your husband to sit down with you and calmly tell him what's bothering you. Try to understand how he feels too. To end the tug-of-war over who's right or wrong, ask yourself: Do I really, truly, positively need to make a big issue about (insert bone of contention here)? If not, get creative. Search for a solution that keeps you both feeling happy and respected.

When Baby's on Board

Black Cloud
Your marriage has settled into a state of comfy domesticity. You've figured out how to share household chores, and you've found a workable balance of couple time and alone time. It's so perfect, it's almost sickening! But don't get smug just yet. Here comes your bouncing bundle of joy -- and a whole bunch of new stuff to fight about. "The birth of a child sends shock waves through most marriages," says Weiner-Davis.

Suddenly, you're living by new rules. You have to renegotiate important decisions about time, chores, money, and career goals. And that's hard to do when you're exhausted by life with a new baby. With most of your energies focused on your needy new darling, the demands of your other, older darling may suddenly seem unbearable. You're totally sleep-deprived, and you never get out of your spit-up-stained sweats. Don't be surprised if your sex drive all but disappears.

Sunny Solution
You and your sweetie have always been a hot couple, but during the crazed new-baby period, you might need to make a more conscious effort to fuel those love flames. Things don't happen as spontaneously as they used to, so it's important to carefully carve out time for each other. For starters, try setting aside at least 15 minutes every day to talk. It doesn't matter when you do it -- on your cell from the supermarket, if that's all you can manage. The critical thing is to try to connect every day. "If you don't take care of your romance, it will get buried underneath all the practicalities of raising kids," says Weiner-Davis.

As soon as your child is old enough to be left with a sitter, start "dating" each other again -- at least once a month, or more if you can swing it. It doesn't have to be dinner by candlelight -- just have fun with each other. Finally, make sex a priority. Push yourself to get naked together regularly, even if you haven't shaved your legs in a month. It's the best way to maintain intimacy, and that will help you get through this huge transition. "Remember, keeping your marriage strong is the best thing you can do for your child," says Weiner-Davis.