Re: New stay-at-ho
me mom struggling with issues with husband - need advice
02-13-2014 07:37 AM
I hardly think she's suffering from Postpartum depression, PP.
I do understand completely where you are coming from, and my DH and I experienced the same sort of issues when my daughter was born.. We knew I was taking a year off from work orginally, because this was what he wanted, as well as to give me an oppertunity to complete my degree without so much stress. However, it is hard for a man to comprehend (with their mechanical working minds) that even though you aren't bringing in monetary value to the household, you are still doing a vitally essential job! I would seriously cry because I never felt like my house was clean enough or my homework was ever caught up ..and I felt like I wasn't being able to do enough for my daughter too if i was cleaning or doing homework. My husbands sly remarks about the house "being filthy" because there were a bottle and two spoons in the sink made me feel awful. I told him about it and how i felt and he never really listened either. What helped him to realize just how vital my "job" was, was when he had to watch our daughter at night and when I went out with my BFF one day for a girls day. Thats when it sunk in that it really is hard to take care of the dogs, clean house, and etc. when you have a clingy baby, a fussy baby, or even a happy on the go baby. The feelings you are having are normal, even I've wondered it a few times when we've had arguements...but in the end, as you begin to get more sleep and adjust to the loss of income (it takes months to adjust to!) you both will loosen up and relax some. My husband and I had several arguements about getting off my back, unless he wanted to to the **bleep** housework himself.. before he stopped and learned that I'll get to it when i get to it. our house is not dirty by any means but its no longer the perfect musuem piece it was before and we both had to accept that. Just keep communicating! Cry.. yell..cry... aand try having him babysit for awhile.. and dont answer the phone when he does it really helps them to get it into perspective! Classic case of "walk a mile in the other persons shoes". He didn't offer me any help as well, he did change diapers and etc..but housework, taking care of the baby while giving me an oppertunity to do my homework? No. I do all of that to this day by myself. But with him working 12+ hours a day..I didn't find it fair to ask for help in housework ...although I really need it sometimes.
Also, some things that helped my husband and I get past the hard times: I've always appreciated his working hard so that I could stay home, but I didn't really vocalize it.. I just assumed he knew. However, I began to just randomly come up behind him, wrapped my hands around his waist, kissed his back and told him "Thank you so much for working so hard for us. I know you're tired, but I appreciate what you are giving up too! I love you so much more just for that!" . He is never really good with expressing emotions or anything but I know that helped him as well...just me acknowledging his hard work and his own sacrifice (going from a 40 hour week to 60-65, he also had to drop out of college so that I could go and stay home with baby as well) It turns out, he was frustrated because he has to work so much and feels like hes missing out on all the important small things Layla was doing. So yes, he was a little "jealous" of me! And guess what? I was jealous of him! Do you know how boring it is staying at home all the dang time?! Its wonderful being with my baby girl, but OMG there are days I want to pull my hair out and run away screaming! Apparently.. my doctor says this is normal and its ok to cry it out ...thank goodness.
I also found that after I begun telling my husband how proud I was of him, he also began to open up and tell me more positive things, such as "I know this isn't easy, and you're doing a great job! you're a fantastic mother", and "I am so proud of you! You make me proud!" or "I love you more than anything in this world" and "You are my entire world".. like I said, my husband isnt very open in the emotional deptartment, he just expects me to "Know" how he feels because thats how his father was with him. So for him to open up like this made a huge difference. Communication really is the key! As well as paitence and understanding. You are both going to have alot of give and take the next few years... you're going to have ups and downs, but you seem committed..just are having one of those downs. You can make it through this. Keep positive! My husband and I still have some down moments, but at the end of the day I look at him and I can honestly say I love that man more than life itself.. and if you can do that honestly with your husband, then your marriage is worth fighting for and working through this rough spot.
As for the whole you not getting put together.. I have no advice there. When I was pregnant, I vowed I would not become the whole "cliche' mom" who never does her hair anymore, never dresses up nice or gets dressed in jeans or etc". I always made sure, no matter how much effort and "i dont really feel like doing this" attitude i felt, I ALWAYS looked nice, because I find that when I dress up and I look nice, not only did I feel better about myself, I accomplished more because I felt motivated, and because I wanted my husband to come home and be like "**bleep**! My wife still loooks good! WOW!". That really does help
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**Kasey.. 01/07/2003-12/24/2012. You were my heart, my soul, and my whole world, cancer may have taken you from me, but you'll never be forgotten. I have your pawprints forever on my heart.**