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Community Manager
ModChristine
Posts: 1,505
Registered: ‎05-24-2013

The spank debate...

[ Edited ]

I know we all have our own opinions on spanking vs. not spanking.  I have a different type of question...What do you do when one parents feels different than the other because of how they were raised?  What about blended families?  We are a blended family and my husband believes in spanking but I, however, do not because of things that stem from my own childhood.  I have 2 children and he has 1 child.  My children do not get spanked but he's considering starting to spank his own child again because of things that have been going on behavior-wise with him.  My stepson's Mom also will spank when my stepson is with her.  We have joint custody so he spends one week with us and one week with his Mom.

 

I do wish we were in agreement and the same discipline applied for all three children but this is not an issue I'm willing to budge on.  He has pulled back and not spanked his son since we've been married because of my feelings but now we are revisiting the subject.

 

Thoughts, advice?

~ Christine ~
Mom to a sweet little girl and 2 busy boys
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New Contributor
noellemichaels
Posts: 4
Registered: ‎08-25-2013

Re: The spank debate...

I have written several posts that answer this, most focus on informing parents as to WHY children misbehave, so that the person who is spanking has other options and both parents can be on the same page. See links below:

http://superbtherapy.blogspot.com/2013/01/all-behavior-is-communication.html?m=1

http://superbtherapy.blogspot.com/2013/07/time-out-or-time-in.html?m=1

http://superbtherapy.blogspot.com/2013/03/losing-control.html?m=1

I hope these help, and I am always available, if anyone needs advice - Noelle Michaels, Speech and Learning Specialist. My contact info is on the bottom of each blog post. I also have podcast radio shows on www.blogtalkradio.com/superbtherapy
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New Member
abeduhn
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎08-25-2013

Re: The spank debate...

Personally, my husband and i are strong believers in spanking. However, we also think that it depends on the child. We've found that putting our oldest daughter in a secluded time out, where she can't see anyone else, seems to work the best for her. If the behavior continues though, we will spank her.
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New Member
jenhopper1
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎08-25-2013

Re: The spank debate...

I was spanked as a child and when my daughter was born, I couldn't quite put my finger on why it felt wrong to spank her. My husband did spank her once when she was a toddler, but said he'd never do it again. 

 

Eventually, I realized that being spanked illicted the same feeling I had when I was sexually assaulted by a friend as a teen. I feel now that I was taught as a child that I didn't have agency over my own body, it's harmful. We teach our children to submit. Girls or boys, it is harmful.

 

It wasn't until recent years that I decided to see if anyone else had put together the correlation and I found this article. It's long, but worth reading, especially if you're actively or considering spanking.

 

http://womensenews.org/story/health/010923/experts-say-harms-children#.UhoUABvUkpg

Community Manager
ModChristine
Posts: 1,505
Registered: ‎05-24-2013

Re: The spank debate...

[ Edited ]

Thank you all for sharing your personal opinions and experience :smileyhappy:

~ Christine ~
Mom to a sweet little girl and 2 busy boys
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Regular Contributor
HostTammy
Posts: 245
Registered: ‎05-28-2013

Re: The spank debate...

I was never spanked. My husband was. He wanted to spank the kids once and I toild him I would leave if he ever spanked the kids. We now are in agreement that its not a great parenting tool for us.

 

I don't agree with spanking. Can't understand what it teaches a child except to fear mom or dad. We actually saw a therapists with a goal in mind of becoming better parents. It was the best thing we could have done for our family. We were given different parenting styles to choose from. None of them however included spanking.

 

I thought more moms and dads would have strong opinions about this subject. I would really love to hear from more parents:smileyhappy:

 

Tammy

New Contributor
gcentlivre1
Posts: 2
Registered: ‎10-12-2013

Re: The spank debate...

My mom and my stepfather would both spank when I was a child (all of my cousins grew up in a spanking era as well). My mom would only do it if necessary and my stepfather was out of control with the spanking, he would use belts, a switch, wooden spoons, never just his hand.

With that said I firmly believe that it depends on the situation, the child, AND the parent. As a parent if you have the tendency to get frustrated very easily then I believe that spanking should not be for you because you will do it out of anger/frustration and may end up hurting someone and that is not okay.

The few times I DO think it is okay to spank is if you have weighed out all other options. The rule of thumb I follow is this:

Say the child did something obviously out of line but its their "first offense" like taking a crayon to the wall

1st Offense: Get down to eye level with the child and in a calm but serious tone and ask them why they decided to color on the wall. In my experience you'll get "I dunnnnoooo" then explain very simply to them why it isn't okay to draw on the wall and what the consequences will be if it happens again. In this situation I would have them help me clean up the mess or have them clean up their mess. If they start to get upset I try to reassure them they're not in trouble this time because its a learning experience and now they know why not to do it.

2nd Offense: This one is usually time-out in our house. I think it's important to follow through with the consequence you explained during the "first offense" because kids need to know what's expected of them and they need to know to take you seriously. Time-out is 1 minute per year old in our house (our kids have to be quiet and sitting with hands on knees before the clock starts, throwing a tantrum in the corner is not time out lol). As soon as the timer goes off, we get on eye level with the kiddo and calmly/firmly ask why they did it again? What do they think they need to do to fix the problem? And follow up what the consequence if there is a next time and always, always end with some positive reinforcement. Even when they're in trouble I think it's important to tell your kids how much you love them and how smart they are, etc. And make them clean up the mess again, this time by themselves and give it a thorough inspection when they think they're done, when they've done a great job cleaning it up tell them how good they did! My oldest likes to pull the "it's too haaarrd to do by myyyself moooomm" so I simply say welp, maybe when you do all the hard work cleaning it you won't want to do it again :-) lol (My grandma used to make us clean her kitchen or bathroom floor with a bucket of warm soapy water and a toothbrush! Talk about hard work :-P)

3rd Offense: If there happens to be a third time this is where I would spank. A simple "Pop" on the bottom (hand only) just enough to get their attention but not enough to hurt or be red by any means. To me, a spank is a fully clothed, one time swat, just enough to get their attention that you really mean business. Then they need to sit in time out, following with the talk and love and cleaning or whatever they had to do to fix the problem.

I cannot express how important it is to remain calm if you decide to spank because its not meant to hurt (in my opinion). I can count the number of times I've had to spank between my kids on one hand. I think there are plenty of other alternatives before spanking comes into play. I also believe that if you start disciplining and make sure your kids understand there will be consequences for their bad behaviors and making sure that as a parent you maintain consistent follow through from the moment they start movin around then it's easier as they get older. When my oldest started crawling my mom was on me all the time about teaching him how to put away one ball before he got a toy car out and as annoying as it was having her on my back about that kind of stuff but now that I have sat back and thought about it, discipline starts right there and if you start early it shouldn't have to get to spanking on a regular basis.

BUT like I said, every circumstance, every child, and every adult is different and the disciplinary consequences will vary for each. Very long explanation for my thoughts on spanking but hopefully it helps :-) I know it's hard raising kids in two households but I also think its important for all of the involved parents to come to a mutual agreement on a situation like this so the kids always know what to expect and the rules should be tab out the same in each house.

Good Luck!
Grace
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