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Regular Visitor
shaffervecht
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎10-23-2013

New stay-at-home mom struggling with issues with husband - need advice

[ Edited ]
Okay ladies...I need some advice. I am a new mom to the sweetest little boy born September 1st. I know that it is always a difficult transition for parents but my husband and I are starting to have issues and I am not sure what to do. I find myself starting to wonder if it would be better if I were a single parent. I do not want my son (who is so mellow and relaxed) ending up a stressed out, on edge child because his parents are always fighting.

My husband doesn't understand why I am not sometimes not dressed and put together when he gets home from work. He makes me feel guilty for not working (even though my income was very small when I was working prior to maternity leave) and makes me feel like I am not contributing, even though I spend every day taking care of our son (breastfeeding every few hours), our home, etc. When my son is napping I clean the house, take care of our three pets, run errands, handle our finances/pay bills, prepare meals, try to make myself presentable and even attend new mom support groups a couple times a week in order to socialize our son. My husband does not help out around the house at all and even when he gets home from work doesn't offer to take our son or give me a break at all. He makes me feel like I do nothing. When I am upset he asks me what is wrong and when I tell him, he says, "It's no big deal."

Did you deal with these issues? If so...do you have any advice?
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Regular Contributor
cassie186
Posts: 218
Registered: ‎08-20-2013

Re: New stay-at-home mom struggling with issues with husband - need advice

Big hugs! If you can, it may help to work with a marriage and family therapist. Your soon isn't very old at all and it's a really hard transition and you make it each time you have another baby too. this might sound really weird but your husband could be dealing with his own sort of post partum depression, however men aren't normally screened for depression or considered at risk for it like the mother is. However if his attitude toward you is atypical of what it was before baby, his apathy towards you, disinvolvement your son, etc.

I've had to deal with some of these issues in our relationship. What helps the must is I've found I have to specifically ask ahead of time if there is something I will need help with. For instance if I need him to watch the kids I let him know a free says ahead of time because of he doesn't know until the say of he gets upset. I honestly think he had a much harder time with it (becoming a dad) because he likes stability and planning ahead and everything on a tight schedule and clean and predictable and having kids messed that all up for us. It helps to have a list of what needs to be done for the day so there is something tangible for him to see with things crossed out. I have to specifically ask for his help with kids as well because he won't just step in and give me a break unless I let him know I'm at my wit's end even when it's super obvious. Sometimes we get into fights about me feeling he doesn't do enough and he has trouble seeing past the fact that even though he earns all the money for our family, my time should still be worth something and I need breaks too.
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Occasional Contributor
ceciliaserranomendoza
Posts: 5
Registered: ‎12-05-2013

Re: New stay-at-home mom struggling with issues with husband - need advice

Danm it sounds like he needs to go ,or talk to him about the issue or he can go
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New Member
terrasinnett
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎12-22-2013

Re: New stay-at-home mom struggling with issues with husband - need advice

I have same issue
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New Contributor
hrsaemp
Posts: 3
Registered: ‎12-11-2013

Re: New stay-at-home mom struggling with issues with husband - need advice

A couple of resources might be helpful to both of you: Depression During and After Pregnancy http://www.ask.hrsa.gov/detail_materials.cfm?ProdID=3924 and Taking Care of Mom: Nurturing Yourself As Well as Baby http://www.ask.hrsa.gov/detail_materials.cfm?ProdID=4291 to start. Both of these publications have advice for Mom support and expectations now that your baby is here.

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Super Contributor
LaylasMommy1014
Posts: 329
Registered: ‎06-24-2013

Re: New stay-at-home mom struggling with issues with husband - need advice

I hardly think she's suffering from Postpartum depression, PP.

I do understand completely where you are coming from, and my DH and I experienced the same sort of issues when my daughter was born.. We knew I was taking a year off from work orginally, because this was what he wanted, as well as to give me an oppertunity to complete my degree without so much stress. However, it is hard for a man to comprehend (with their mechanical working minds) that even though you aren't bringing in monetary value to the household, you are still doing a vitally essential job! I would seriously cry because I never felt like my house was clean enough or my homework was ever caught up ..and I felt like I wasn't being able to do enough for my daughter too if i was cleaning or doing homework. My husbands sly remarks about the house "being filthy" because there were a bottle and two spoons in the sink made me feel awful. I told him about it and how i felt and he never really listened either. What helped him to realize just how vital my "job" was, was when he had to watch our daughter at night and when I went out with my BFF one day for a girls day. Thats when it sunk in that it really is hard to take care of the dogs, clean house, and etc. when you have a clingy baby, a fussy baby, or even a happy on the go baby. The feelings you are having are normal, even I've wondered it a few times when we've had arguements...but in the end, as you begin to get more sleep and adjust to the loss of income (it takes months to adjust to!) you both will loosen up and relax some. My husband and I had several arguements about getting off my back, unless he wanted to to the **bleep** housework himself.. before he stopped and learned that I'll get to it when i get to it. our house is not dirty by any means but its no longer the perfect musuem piece it was before and we both had to accept that. Just keep communicating! Cry.. yell..cry... aand try having him babysit for awhile.. and dont answer the phone when he does  :smileywink: it really helps them  to get it into perspective! Classic case of "walk a mile in the other persons shoes".  He didn't offer me any help as well, he did change diapers and etc..but housework, taking care of the baby while giving me an oppertunity to do my homework? No. I do all of that to this day by myself. But with him working 12+ hours a day..I didn't find it fair to ask for help in housework ...although I really need it sometimes.

 

Also, some things that helped my husband and I get past the hard times: I've always appreciated his working hard so that I could stay home, but I didn't really vocalize it.. I just assumed he knew. However, I began to just randomly come up behind him, wrapped my hands around his waist, kissed his back and told him "Thank you so much for working so hard for us. I know you're tired, but I appreciate what you are giving up too! I love you so much more just for that!" . He is never really good with expressing emotions or anything but I know that helped him as well...just me acknowledging his hard work and his own sacrifice (going from a 40 hour week to 60-65, he also had to drop out of college so that I could go and stay home with baby as well) It turns out, he was frustrated because he has to work so much and feels like hes missing out on all the important small things Layla was doing. So yes, he was a little "jealous" of me! And guess what? I was jealous of him! Do you know how boring it is staying at home all the dang time?! Its wonderful being with my baby girl, but OMG there are days I want to pull my hair out and run away screaming! Apparently.. my doctor says this is normal and its ok to cry it out ...thank goodness.

I also found that after I begun telling my husband how proud I was of him, he also began to open up and tell me more positive things, such as "I know this isn't easy, and you're doing a great job! you're a fantastic mother", and "I am so proud of you! You make me proud!" or "I love you more than anything in this world" and "You are my entire world".. like I said, my husband isnt very open in the emotional deptartment, he just expects me to "Know" how he feels because thats how his father was with him. So for him to open up like this made a huge difference. :smileyhappy: Communication really is the key! As well as paitence and understanding. You are both going to have alot of give and take the next few years... you're going to have ups and downs, but you seem committed..just are having one of those downs. You can make it through this. Keep positive! My husband and I still have some down moments, but at the end of the day I look at him and I can honestly say I love that man more than life itself.. and if you can do that honestly with your husband, then your marriage is worth fighting for and working through this rough spot. :smileyhappy:

 

As for the whole you not getting put together.. I have no advice there. When I was pregnant, I vowed I would not become the whole "cliche' mom" who never does her hair anymore, never dresses up nice or gets dressed in jeans or etc". I always made sure, no matter how much effort and "i dont really feel like doing this" attitude i felt, I ALWAYS looked nice, because I find that when I dress up and I look nice, not only did I feel better about myself, I accomplished more because I felt motivated, and because I wanted my husband to come home and be like "**bleep**! My wife still loooks good! WOW!". :smileywink:  That really does help

♥ Brie ♥
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**Kasey.. 01/07/2003-12/24/2012. You were my heart, my soul, and my whole world, cancer may have taken you from me, but you'll never be forgotten. I have your pawprints forever on my heart.**
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Super Contributor
LaylasMommy1014
Posts: 329
Registered: ‎06-24-2013

Re: New stay-at-home mom struggling with issues with husband - need advice

Oh..and my hubby has been so supportive of my whole staying at home now, that he is letting me stay at home until July (i was supposed to return to work in October 2013, then he said January 14' , then he said "heck, you might as well stay home til you finish your degree..I think it'll be easier for you that way"). when I graduate with my two year degree. We are also thinking of TTC again in May-June sometime.. if so, i'll be considered high risk pregnancy due to having a LEEP in december for stage 0 cervical cancer.. so theres a possibility id be staying at home longer. The fact that he's willing to do that for so long for his family...is amazing to me. Sometimes the men are fishing for compliments through the nasty remarks... they just dont want to come right out and say "HEY I JUST WANT YOU TO SAY YOU ARE PROUD OF ME AND THANK YOU FOR WORKING SO HARD!' because, you know... thats not manly.. LOL.

 

I hope thats helped you out some sweetie

♥ Brie ♥
My NFP Chart
Daisypath Anniversary tickers
Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
**Kasey.. 01/07/2003-12/24/2012. You were my heart, my soul, and my whole world, cancer may have taken you from me, but you'll never be forgotten. I have your pawprints forever on my heart.**
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